No one saw what I did. No one knows.
The dam of guilt bursts and a river of relief floods through me, washing away my fears when I see that Alison is smiling at me. She’s speaking to me. I can’t hear what she’s saying but her tone sounds friendly and comforting.
I scrape through the fog in my mind to focus on her words. ‘It’s probably the emotion of the day. It’s been such a whirlwindromance, hasn’t it? But it’s so good to meet you at last. Dad speaks so highly of you.’
She doesn’t recognise me. Thank God.
I breathe out slowly. Of course she hasn’t recognised me. I’ve changed a lot over the last twenty-five years. My hair is black now – tired of the taunts of ‘ginger nut’, I’d dyed it when I was fourteen and despite Mum and Dad’s annoyance I’ve kept it that colour ever since. I’m slimmer too. Nothing like that dumpy red head Ally – now Alison – had met on the school outing at the amusement park. My head whirls and I start to feel faint as the memory of that day shoots into my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut to block out the awfulness of it all.
‘I’ll get you a glass of water,’ I hear Alison say.
‘Lizzie, darling, are you all right?’
Mum has noticed me and comes over to check. I flick open my eyes and see her face tight with anxiety. I don’t want to spoil this day for her. The last thing she needs is to worry about me. She’s done enough of that over the years.
I force a bright smile on my face. ‘I’m good, Mum. Really. I forgot to have breakfast. I’ll be fine in a minute. You go and mingle.’
‘If you’re sure?’ Mum frowns, her eyes raking my face.
I force my smile wider. ‘Positive.’
Alison returns with the glass of water. ‘Here you are, Lizzie. Drink this.’ She hands it to me then turns to Mum. ‘I’ll stay with her until she feels better.’
George calls, and Mum squeezes my hand. ‘Sit and rest for a while, darling.’ I nod and she goes off to join George.
I slowly sip the water, keeping my eyes focused on the glass. I daren’t look at Alison again yet, not until I can compose myself. My head is swimming with images of her mother desperately trying to breathe, gasping, her eyes bulging, dying in front of our terrified eyes.
And it was all my fault.
4
LIZZIE
‘Lizzie?’ Nick is beside me now. ‘What’s the matter, love?’
‘I think it’s the heat. She seemed to go all dizzy,’ Alison tells him. ‘I’ll leave her in your capable hands, Nick.’
She walks away to join her brother and aunt. Nick crouches down in front of me, his forehead creased. ‘Are you all right, Lizzie?’ Nick is always patient with my anxiety attacks, treating me with kindness and understanding. I try to keep them under control, not only because I hate them but also because I’m worried that he will get fed up with me. I know that I can be difficult to live with sometimes and I don’t know what I would do without Nick. He and the kids are my world.
He’s a patient listener, and is never judgemental, but I can’t tell him what’s caused this attack. I can’t bear him to know what I did. I never told Mum or Dad either. I buried it deep down, nailed a lid on it, tried not to think about it. I told myself that I’d never see Ally or Kenny again so no one would ever find out.
How wrong I was.
The nightmare of the situation I’m in engulfs me and dizziness claims me once more.
I feel Nick squeezing my hand and hear the concern in his voice. ‘What is it, Liz?’
I draw on every reserve of my strength to pull myself together and reply as calmly as I’m able. ‘I’m sorry, Nick. I think it’s the heat, and I was in such a rush this morning I forgot to have breakfast.’ I repeat the lie I told Mum. ‘I’ll be fine in a moment. Honestly I will.’
‘Are you sure?’ He stands up now and turns around, his eyes scanning the room, and I know he’s looking for Isaac and Grace.
‘Yes, please go and look after the kids.’ I shoo him away. ‘I’ll be with you in a minute.’ I take a big gulp of the water.
He goes off, and I take a few more deep breaths. In, hold, out. In, hold, out.
Get a grip, Lizzie. You’re causing a scene. Alison hasn’t recognised you, stop panicking.
‘Are you feeling any better?’ Alison is back. She sits down next to me.
