She must be awake by now. Maybe Sheila has forgotten to tell her that I called? I make myself a cup of green tea and call Mum. It rings and rings, and I chew my lip anxiously.Is she still asleep?
Relief floods through me as Mum finally answers, but she sounds breathless. ‘Sorry, darling, I went to the loo.’
‘Are you feeling any better, Mum? Sheila said you had a bad night.’
‘I did. I went all dizzy again and I think I was a bit delirious in the night. Alison said she thinks it’s the co-codamol, it can make you feel sick and dizzy apparently. She popped out to get me some other painkillers, and a bit of shopping.’
‘That’s good. I’ve been worried about you. I’m sorry I couldn’t come over this morning but I’ve had so much work. I’ll drop in before I pick the kids up from school.’
‘Don’t worry about me, darling, I’m in good hands. The whole family are rallying around me. Kenny came over to collect Sheila and brought me a custard slice and a magazine. I’m being taken care off. You look after yourself. You’ve enough on your plate. You can leave it until the morning if you want.’
‘No, I want to see you. I’ll drop by about two thirty.’
‘I’ll see you later then, darling. I’m looking forward to having a chat.’
‘Okay, Mum.’
She sounds chirpy enough, I think in relief when we’ve ended the call. And I have to admit that George’s family are being really helpful. I should be grateful for that and stop feeling like they’re pushing me out.
I make myself some lunch and take it out into the garden to eat it. It’s mild today and I always feel better when I’m outdoors. It calms me down to sit in the little Zen corner Nick made for me. Our garden isn’t very big, there’s a lawn for the kids to play on, a couple of swings, a few flower beds and a shed for Nick. In the top corner, the one that gets the most sun, is my Zen garden.
I guess an outsider would say it’s nothing special, a little rockery with cacti plants, a big Buddha statue, a peace lily, a tree of life plaque on the shed wall and a mosaic table with twochairs. I put my cup on the table and sit down, taking in deep breaths of fresh air. This corner always makes me feel calmer. Nick had noticed how much my Buddha painting meant to me, so made this precious garden for me when I was struggling so much to cope after Isaac was born.
I’d only recently returned from maternity leave after having Isaac when that terrible incident with a boy at at school having a bad allergic reaction made me realise what I’d done. That I’d killed someone. The burden of carrying that secret dragged me into despair, but I was too afraid to share my guilt with anyone so tried to carry on. Until I had a total breakdown.
The doctor gave me some antidepressants which made me feel calmer, and Mum persuaded me to stay with her one weekend, so she could help look after Isaac while I rested. When I came back home Nick took my hand, led me out into the back garden and showed me the beautiful garden he’d spent all weekend making for me. ‘Somewhere for you to sit and relax,’ he said, and I’d cried at his thoughtfulness and love.
That was the turning point for me. Gradually, as I sat out here breathing in the peace, I healed again. When Grace was born I managed to calm my anxiety. I had two children to look after now. I had to keep strong for them. Mostly I managed it, but the guilt and remorse never left me, it was always there, like a coiled poisonous snake, waiting to pounce.
Now I can feel it building again. That suffocating feeling that one day I would pay for my actions.
I can’t let it in. I have to hold it all together. But as I sit here the memories resurface and explode into my mind, and I am plunged back to that fateful day when I was only seven years old.
24
LIZZIE
Then
I was so excited. I was going on a school outing today to an amusement park with a zoo, and we were having a picnic lunch there. All the class was going, and the class above us. Mum got me some treats to take, crisps, chocolate, an apple. ‘What do you want for sandwiches, Lizzie? We have cheese, ham or peanut butter,’ she asked.
‘Peanut butter,’ I instantly replied. It was my favourite, I had a peanut butter sandwich every night before I went to bed.
‘Cheese is better for you,’ Mum said persuasively. She was always trying to get me to vary my diet, but I was insistent. I wanted peanut butter. I had no idea how much I would regret that decision, how I would wish I’d agreed to have cheese.
Both classes were excited as we got onto the coach and set off. I sat by my best friend Jodie and we chatted away about what we would do at the park, the animals we would see, the rides we would go on. A couple of children’s parents were accompanying the teachers, and I’d wanted my mum to come but she couldn’tbecause she had to work. If only she had come things would have been different.
There were a few groups from other schools at the park too, it was really busy. We all had to queue to go on the rides and to go into the reptile house to see the big snakes and lizards. I was scared of the snakes but Jodie said she wasn’t. We were licking our ice cream cones, talking about the snakes, when a girl from another school accidentally bumped into me and knocked my ice cream out of my hand.
‘Sorry!’ she said, and I fought back the tears as I saw my delicious ice cream splattered on the ground. I had been enjoying that ice cream and I didn’t have enough money to buy another one.
Then a lady came over. ‘What’s happened, Ally?’ she asked.
‘It was an accident, Mum. I didn’t mean to knock her,’ the girl protested.
‘It’s okay, Ally. Accidents happen.’ The lady looked kindly at me. ‘What’s your name, love?’
‘Lizzie,’ I replied, determined not to cry.
