Finally, I settled on a review study that aggregated and analyzed the data of all English-language studies done over the last fifty years. Essentially, the research boiled down to three points.
One: There is no conclusive data proving the existence of love.
Two: However, if thereissuch a thing, its most promising evidence comes from EEG readings of the brain and hormonal studies.
Three: The only difference, it appears, between love and lust in the brain is the release of oxytocin.
Thanks, science. Really great stuff. Super helpful.
New Problem: I need to find out if I’m really in love with Hudson before I make any big decisions. Before I take any risks.
Proposed Solution: Replicate the studies I’ve read on love tosee how my brain reacts to Hudson. It won’t be definitive proof that we’re in love, but it will be as close as I can get, probably.
Luckily, I happened to know someone with an EEG.
—
“You’re deranged,” Leelahsaid later that day when I told her my plan.
Addie didn’t agree. “You’re brilliant.”
“I’m desperate” was my only reply.
At her former job, Leelah’s expertise had been in developing portable versions of the world’s most important medical technologies. She wanted to make rescue efforts in the wake of major disasters easier and was determined to help refugees in war zones. One of her most promising projects? A device that looked like a wire-toothed headband, with each tooth dotted with a small sensor. A portable proto-EEG device that, while having nowhere near the complex capabilities of a full machine, could, theoretically, give practitioners a baseline understanding of the patient’s mental makeup and neurological responses.
In short, if Leelah just let me borrow it for, like, an hour, I’d be able to put this wholeAm I in love with Hudson or am I just horny and lonelyquestion to bed.
But Leelah, contrary to her usually rom-com-pilled self, was hesitant. As we put together our bagel breakfasts in the office kitchen, she aggressively slathered hers with undue force.
“Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, look inside your heart and figure it out?”
I perked up. “Isthere a way to look inside the heart for that sort of thing? I didn’t see any research like that.”
“Impossible,” she scoffed. “I thought I was working with some of the smartest people in the world, and yet you’re all talking nonsense.”
Always living for the vibes, Addie prodded: “It’s forscience, Leelah. C’mon. Aren’t you even theleastbit curious?”
“Right!” I concurred. “Dating is just data, after all.”
The fastest way to a girl inthisoffice? Tease her with science.
And that’s how it was that, about an hour after BuzzCorp closed, we were locked away in Kevin, threading what I can only describe as the world’s most technologically advanced headband through my unkempt locks. The style was verynightclub chic in the Blade Runner universe—discreet enough that I didn’t look like I was wearing a medical device, but certainly an eye-catching statement piece.
“What’d you tell Hudson about all this?” Leelah asked, adjusting the nodes so they lay flat against my skull.
“I wanted to maintain the integrity of the experiment,” I said. “So I just sort of avoided him all day.”
“Bullshit,” Addie chimed in. “You’re just afraid to face him now that you have all thesefeelings.”
Okay, one thing I can say for old, friendless Scout. At least back then, she didn’t get read to filth so often.
Leelah made a few last-minute adjustments. “There you go. Now, before I turn this on, we need to have an informed-consent conversation.”
“I’ve already read the research. I know what this thing can do.”
“I’m not talking medical safety here. I just…if we collect data about what your brain does every time it sees Hudson, then you can’t hide from it. It will be irrefutable proof of your care for him. Are you prepared for the consequences of that?”
The atmosphere in the small closet shifted. Oh, so that’s why Leelah was so hesitant before. She didn’t think I was ready for the truth.
