“You really don’t, do you?” I tried to laugh it off. Hudson wasn’t having it. “No, I’m serious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be anything better thanneutralto yourself.”
“Don’t be casting stones.”
“I’m not mean to myself,” he snapped incredulously.
“Yes, you are, but in a different way. You never show anyone who you are because you’re afraid they won’t like what they see. Well, Idolike what I see, and I’m glad I got to meet you. The real you. The one you hide from everyone else.”
There was a moment of silent fallout between us. This time, I was the one who’d shown my hand. I didn’t just like him as a fuckbuddy. It was quickly growing into something more—something I feared I couldn’t control.
“I wish I could be better for that guy,” I said, emphasizing each word. He had to understand why I couldn’t go any further.“I wish I knew how not to mess this up. I wish I wasn’t afraid of you and what you could do to me. But I am what I am. And what I am isnot rightfor a guy like you, Hudson Bailey.”
The air between us tightened as realization hit him. “Did you tell me all of this because you thought it would push me away? Were you trying to sabotage whatever it is we have going on here? Do you really believe that you could chase me off?”
Two big, firm hands rose to cup my cheeks. He didn’t speak until I lifted my eyes to his.
“Scout. I’m not going anywhere. Bad sex, good sex. Dates, no dates. Terrible parents. Sex toy lessons. Whatever lies ahead, I’m here. If you’ll have me. If I’m what you want.”
My heart swelled. But I cut it before it could burst. “For the next few weeks, anyway. Which is for the best. If we stayed together any longer, I would just blow it. I’m incapable of doing anything right.”
“I don’t believe that. I thinkthisis right.” He stroked my cheekbone with his thumb.
“I don’t want you to go,” I said. “But I don’t want to bring you down with me. I’m a wreck. I ruin everything I touch.”
“Do I look ruined to you?” he asked.
No. He didn’t. He looked whole.
Like I mended him.
A completed circuit.
After a beat, he spoke again. “Can I tell you something? Be warned: It might make me seem like a bad person.”
“Sure.”
Moving from his place above me, Hudson sighed and settled on the floor at my feet. He placed his head on my knee, cheek pressing against my bare flesh there. His breath danced tattoos on me; I wanted to keep them forever. “I’m glad you didn’t have sex with him. Not because I’m selfish and wanted to be your first or whatever, nothing weird and possessive like that. Just…I’mglad your first time was with someone who gave a damn about you. He didn’t deserve you anyway. You deserved better. Not just from him. But from everyone.”
You deserved better.
No one had ever told me that before. Not even Clara. Even in her most supportive moments, she was pragmatic and unemotional about things, choosing to keep our attentions squarely on what we could do going forward, rather than wallowing in the past.
You deserved better.
But Hudson had said it like it was obvious. Like his heart was broken that no one had told me before. Like I needed to hear it. And maybe I did.
You deserved better.
“Just think about it, okay? You. Me. Us. What you want your tomorrows to look like. I really believe it, Scout. You can have anything you want. Anything. Just ask.”
I didn’t know if I could believe it.
But God did I want to.
29
More Like Bored-Room, Am I Right, Ladies?
There it was. A nightmare come true. That some great, wonderful, giving, undeniably sexy man would care for me. And I would be unable to accept him because of my track record of ineptitude.
