That I’d agreed with them. I didn’t trust myself. And shouldn’t. Couldn’t.
He fiddled with his glasses. “Look, I’m sorry if I made things uncomfortable for you back there. Really, I am. I hate…You know that I hate upsetting people.”
“It’s okay. I’m just sorry you broke your perfectpeople like mestreak.”
“Scout. I need you to understand.” His gaze was ferocious. His lips curled into a snarl. He took a step forward, pinning me between his body and the car. It was the sexiest he’d ever been. “I will not apologize to them. And I donotgive a shit if they like me or not.”
This was a ground shift between us.
This man was constitutionally incapable ofnotbeing liked. He did everything in his power to earn people’s love and affection. Even at his own peril.
And he’d thrown all of that away just because my parents were hurting me.
I didn’t know what to do with that revelation.
So I brushed a lock of hair away from his forehead. “I don’t want to talk about them. I want to talk about how hard you’re going to fuck me in this car right now.”
27
Dangerous Curves
Neither of us was in our right mind. I knew that. The correct thing to do would have been to buckle ourselves into our respective front seats, turn the radio so high we couldn’t think, and process our emotions safely and separately before coming back together to discuss what the hell had just happened.
But the noise in my head was unbearable. The sounds of my inadequacy rang in my ears. Every fear I’d had about myself clawed its way out of the box I’d been locking it up in every time Hudson was around.
You can’t do anything right. The Fantasy’s launch is going to fail and it’s all your fault. What made you think that you could have a normal existence—friends and sex—without ruining everything? Do you really think Hudson is in this for you? No, of course not. He’s just here to take some girl’s virginity and use her as a distraction while he’s in town for a few weeks. Why are you letting him get into your emotions just like Lloyd did? How could you be so stupid a second time?
However, unlike most times when they swanned back into my orbit, Mom and Dad’s sudden reappearance wasn’t theonlything mixing me up.
Hudson was there, too. While instinct and history and my mother’s harsh stare told me again and again that I was a failure, that there was nothing good about me but my skill with complex algebra and mechanical engineering, there were other parts of me just beginning to surface under Hudson’s attentions. Now another voice whispered that my parents were wrong. That I was already proving myself capable of succeeding on my own terms. That I could have Hudson and Leelah and a life outside the office without it leading to catastrophe.
I wanted to listen to that voice. Or, at the very least, I wanted to shut up the first one.
So I threw open the car door.
Problem: Too many thoughts. Too many feelings. Too complicated.
Proposed Solution: Get Hudson to fuck my brains out.
“Hey—”
“Don’t talk,” I commanded, grabbing him by the arm.
He allowed himself to be pulled along into the back seat, laughing like this was all one big tease.
But it wasn’t.
The door closed behind him with athunk. The car’s auto lights went out, submerging us in darkness. I yanked him close to me and attacked him with a kiss. This wasn’t any of that gentle and safe crap we’d been toying with so far. This was a full-frontal assault, with teeth and fingernails. For a second, he tensed, but just as quickly, he melted again, groaning and answering every gesture of mine with a kiss or claw of his own.
Lying down along the back seat, I relished his hot, burning kisses and his hand running up my thigh. Yes, this was what I wanted.
Reaching into my purse, I grabbed a Circler. Instead of using suction like a Womanizer or vibrations like a Rabbit, this one had a simple handle finished off with what looked like the top ofa pawn chess piece. It rotated at various speeds, controlled by simple, discreet buttons on the side of the toy.
My pulse and pussy throbbed at what was to come. I didn’t want foreplay. I didn’t want lingering glances or teasing. I wanted to be used. Reduced to sex and nothing else so I didn’t have to think about the grating machinery of conflict currently threatening to go critical inside me.
“I want you to use this toy on me. And to fuck me,” I instructed. “Hard and fast and like you don’t give a shit about me. Fuck me until I can’t string together a coherent thought. Now, take your cock out.”
He froze over me, pulling away slightly. After shoving the toy into his hand, I took the opportunity to yank my dress over my head.
