I didn’t want to lose that feeling.
And I especially didn’t want to lose the feeling of him rocking his cock against me like he was doing right now.
But…
“I told you. I can’t let myself get distracted. This was supposed to be a one-and-done. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do this.”
“And you did. Now, what are you going to do with that information? Go back to your old self? Keep coloring inside the lines? Following all these ridiculous rules you’ve set for yourself?”
He wasn’t unkind. Far from it. He was like a coach giving me a pep talk, hoping to inspire me to more. And God, did I want more.
“It doesn’t have to be a relationship. It can just be sex,” he offered.
“You’d be okay with that?”
“I’ll want whatever you’re willing to give me.”
He sounded so sincere that I almost melted right there.
I’d learned my lesson, though. I wasn’t a good judge of character. I didn’t know enough about people to be able to tell the difference between a truth and a lie. Case in point: Lloyd Exeter. He’d told me he loved me and respected me and wanted to be with me for more than sex. In hindsight, I could see the faults in our relationship’s design. The clandestine meetings. The expectation that I give and never receive. At the time, it looked perfectly engineered all the way.
Sure, Hudson seemed sincere now. But if I looked back in six months, a year, two years? What would I see clearly that I’d missed this time around?
Saying no to him was safer. It was much, much safer.
Sure, Clara had given me the green light to take some risks. ButIcouldn’t givemyselfthe same unbridled permission.
“I just don’t trust myself, Hudson. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past. I don’t want to repeat them.”
“You’re never going to learn if you don’t try.”
I dropped my head. He cupped my cheek and lifted it back up.
“Look. Maybe last night reallywasall you needed. That’s fine. If that’s the case, I’ll go right now and we’ll never talk about this again. But I just don’t want you to throw me away because you’re scared. Like I said, it doesn’t have to be serious. We can just have fun and enjoy ourselves.” When I didn’t respond, he added, “You should get whatever you want, Scout. All you have to do is decide what that is.”
I wanted to be the person who did that. Wanted to be the type who threw caution to the wind and slipped into a casual FWB situation with the hot guy who liked her. Wanted tobelieve someone like Hudson could like her without ulterior motives—uncomplicatedly and earnestly.
And him. I wanted him.
“Getting what I want is exactly what I’m afraid of,” I confided. “I always screw it up somehow.”
“Me too. I told you about my last relationship. It really messed me up. I’m not good at science, but what’s that principle? About two negatives equaling a positive? Maybe this will be like that. Our bad luck will cancel each other out.”
Even like this, with my heart in disarray and my pussy aching and my world in the balance, he could make me laugh.
“What do you want, Scout? You have to tell me or I can’t give it to you.”
“Right back at you, Mr. I Don’t Care What We Eat for Dinner.”
He rolled his eyes as if to sayOkay, you’ve got me there. “Well, right now, what I want is you. Can I have you? Will you have me?”
Problem: I don’t want to stop being with Hudson.
Proposed Solution: Stay with him.
Test: Say yes.
Result: Who knows?
