“I’m sure you didn’t, though I can’t say I’m sad to see him go. He was my one true hiring mistake. I thought he might bring some balance to the team. It appears I was wrong. He caused discord wherever he went. I should have fired him ages ago, but I wanted to give him a chance. Ah, well. I suppose you can’t win them all.”
When she sighed, I was reminded of Hudson’s sweet parting words.I think we’re a win so far.
Thank God Clara got it right way more than she got it wrong. If there were more Hudsons out there to be found, and she hired them instead of Jareds, we’d be in good shape as a company.
“Anyway, what can I do for you at this late hour, Scout?”
“I wanted to pick your brain.”
“By all means, I love to be kept from the warm embrace of slumber to have my cerebrum probed.”
If she hadn’t been teasing me, I might have pointed out that telencephalon would be more precise. But considering itwaslate and Iwasasking her for a favor, I bit my tongue on that particular point.
“It’s come to my attention that some people are under the impression that I don’t get out enough,” I said, summarizing the opinions of Mr. Ose, Addie, and Hudson. “That I’m too closed off and should try to, you know, connect or whatever. Is that true? Do you see me that way?”
“Of course.”
“Ofcourse?” I screeched.
“I told you as much this morning. Remember? When I said you should have sex with Hudson.”
She hadn’texactlytold me to have sex with him, just that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did. I brushed away the thought—I couldn’t get distracted with myGod, I want to fuck Hudson Baileyfixation right now.
“But…you don’t think…I mean, The Fantasy is the most important thing we’ve ever done. If I take my eye off the ball, if I waste my time with people, then I might lead us into another GalacticSolutions situation—”
“That’swhy you haven’t had sex yet? Because of what happened with Lloyd?”
“I wouldn’t say that, exactly.”
Mostly because I didn’t want to admit it.
“Scout, you can’t punish yourself forever.”
“I’m not punishing myself—”
“You’re afraid to fight, Scout. Afraid to get what you want. Afraid that maybe you don’t deserve it. But you do. You should.And, as your friend and not your boss, I’d like to see you try. All this stuff about being distracted from work? That’s just a rubbish excuse.”
“On the other hand, if word gets out that your lead engineer is a virgin, it could be a total disaster, Clara. You should have seen Mr. Ose’s face when Hudson told him he was new to the industry. We’ll be a laughingstock. I can’t handle it if I bring down the company.”
My own labored breathing echoed back to me through my cell’s receiver.
“Listen, as the woman who will likely lose everything if The Fantasy fails, I want you to know that you have my full and unconditional support. Have sex, don’t have sex. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about you. Your work speaks for itself, and you’re an invaluable member of this team. You’ve never let me down before. I don’t anticipate you starting now.”
That night, I slept fitfully. I’d never conceived of my inability to make friends or date as fear. I’d always seen it as quite practical. A symptom of my dedication to my career.
But Clara’s diagnosis about me running away from intimacy made sense. And I couldn’t help but wonder…
What would my existence be like if I wasn’t afraid all the time?
—
The BuzzCorp officewas a friendlier place without Jared. I didn’t have to worry about fending off sexist jokes or having anyone pry into my personal affairs, and while no one went out of their way to talk to me about the night before or its revelations, I felt their support. There were more waves, more “good mornings,” more sympathetic glances that seemed to sayDon’t worry about it; it’s not a big deal.
But itwasa big deal. Last night changed everything. At least for me.
In my office, I chomped on salt-and-vinegar chips, ostensibly trying to brainstorm new pistoning techniques for The Fantasy but distracted by yesterday’s revelations. I had permission now to start over again. To exist outside of work. But how? Where to start?
Well…
