Shock of the century, I know.
I tinkered on The Fantasy prototypes at the Javits Center until around two a.m., when a janitor alerted me he’d be calling security if I didn’t vacate the premises. Then I returned to my hotel room, which I hadn’t yet stayed in, as I’d been sleeping in Hudson’s. I stared at the ceiling for hours, running over my to-do list for the next day and trying not to think about the way he looked when I walked away this afternoon.
The inability to sleep ran so deep that I didn’t even reach for my travel vibrators, which usually knocked me out five minutes after use. I briefly considered using my Hudson dildo, but what was the point? It wouldn’t be like my night in the Cleveland hotel, gleefully getting off to the thought of him until I collapsed in ecstatic exhaustion. I would have been left unsatisfied. I wouldn’t have been able to cum, and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep, and I would have been frustrated by both realities, and the combination of both things would have been enough to make my chest-racking sobs even worse than they already were.
When my alarm went off at six in the morning, I was alreadystaring at my phone, counting down the seconds until I could crawl out of bed without hating myself even more.
I tried to remind myself that I’d done the right thing. Without Hudson in my life, I wassafe. I had been foolish to try and change things these last few weeks, and I should not be crying over a man who wouldn’t tell me he loved me.
It was all for the best, reverting to my old self.
And if I kept repeating that, maybe one day I would convince myself that it was true.
As soon as I knew the doors would be open, I went back to the Javits Center, where I refused to speak to anyone, kept my distance from Hudson, and tried to get my parents to cancel our family dinner tonight.
To no avail.
Whatever. It’s not like I could feel any worse.
We met at a dimly lit French bistro somewhere in the Village. They were already two cocktails deep by the time I arrived. Not that I was late or anything. They probably just wanted drinks on my tab and arrived early to maximize their get.
I tried to play it cool, all while my heart felt like breaking. “Hey, Mom. Dad.”
“Scout. How are you?”
“Great, thanks,” I lied like I’d never lied before. “Glad you could make the trip down to the city.”
I took my seat. The wall of conversation built up around me until I was insulated by it from everything else.
“It was anightmare,” Mom said. “Tell her about the train—”
“The train! We really should have just brought the car down.”
Her face tightened. “But then we’d’ve had to park. We talked about this.”
“I know we did. But the delay at Williams Bridge…”
Their bickering turned to white noise. Not difficult to do, as I’d endured a billion of these arguments before. The white noise,though, turned my thoughts to Hudson. What was he doing tonight, I wondered. Did he miss me?
And what about that love question? Did he not have guts enough to say it? Or did he just…not love me? Had I misread the signs and now he was embarrassed for me? What did he mean when he saidYou don’t know anything?
The questions hollowed me out. The waiter eventually put me out of my one-track mental spiral. I blankly asked for the first thing I saw on the menu. My parents ordered four appetizers, an extra basket of bread, and the two market price specials.
“So,” my dad said over his cocktail once the waiter vanished. “I’m glad to see that you’ve dumped the dead weight.”
Great. Love talk. Perfect timing. “He wasn’t dead weight. But no. We’re no longer together.”
My mom clucked her tongue. Her sympathetic tone grated against my ears. “Ah. Then we were right. It was a mistake from the start, you two. Oh, I do so hate it when we’re right.”
“It’s better that way. Now you won’t have any distractions. You can finally put yourself fully into finding a new job. Out of the sex toy industry. Into a career worth your time. One I can tell the guys at golf about—finally.”
“We’ve been over this, dear,” Mom countered. “Shecan’tget another job.”
“Ah, yes. That’s right. My apologies.”
The bread basket refresher arrived. They both dug in as though they hadn’t just brushed me off without a moment’s consideration.
Hudson’s voice played in my head, louder than their chewing, louder than the din of the restaurant, louder than the music slipping through the tastefully hidden speakers.
