“Are we going to play or what?”
He advanced on her then, gripping the cue so tightly his knuckles stained white. The chill from her walls seeped into her skin.
“Youknowwhat they’re going to do to him,” he implored.
“I’m not thinking about it.”
“Once you take him there, it’sover. You won’t have Daniel anymore. You’re going to lose him.”
Did Thomas think she didn’tknowshe would lose Daniel? Did he think she was some stupid, dreamy girl who thought she’d get to hold onto him after this was over? He thought she was delusional enough to talk her way out of this horrible mess she’d gotten herself into? Of course not. But there were bigger things at stake than some nice guy who made her laugh. And wrote her songs. And taught her how to dance. And filled the cracks in her taped-up heart. Much, much bigger things.
But at least she could say she had him for a while. A moment of happiness would have to be enough.
“I still have him for a few more days.”
“Justquit, Sam.”
Here we go again.If she had to hear one more lecture about the evils of the Animos Society and why she should forget all about it, she’d have to scream.
“I can’t quit,” she clipped.
“If you quit, you can be with him. You can have what you want.”
“I can’t quit. You know I can’t quit. You know what they’ve put me through and I didn’t come all this way to lose it now.”
“Then break up with him and take someone else. We’llhiresomeone to replace him, someone who knows what’s going on, someone who will play along and win you the night and will go home with a nice check and no hurt feelings. Don’t you care about Daniel’s feelings at all?”
Hisfeelings? Yes, she thought about his feelings constantly. But if she told Thomas that, there would be no going back.
Instead, she turned her argument inward. When was the last time anyone cared aboutherfeelings? She’d been kicked around and pushed aside and trampled on and ignored and forgotten and put into foster care for years because no one cared about her or her feelings.
And besides, if she lived with utter and complete disregard for the feelings of the people who loved her, maybe she would finally fit in. Everyone else—her father, her mother, her father’s friends, the Animos Society—got to look out for themselves. Maybe she’d finally get some goddamn respect if she acted like she belonged.
“Thomas,” she ground his name out, leaning against the snooker table for support. “You don’t know what it’s like to be lonely. So lonely you cry yourself to sleep at night and wonder if you’re ever going to feel like you aren’t drowning in it.”
“Don’t start with the melodrama.”
“I’m happy,” she said, returning to her natural state, wielding the ice around her heart like a saber. It was a lie, but close enough to the truth that she didn’t feel bad saying it. “Probably for the first time in my life. And I’m going to enjoy the next five days. I’m going to memorize them and look back on them until the day I die as the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m not giving him up. And when it’s all over, I’ll have the Animos Society. I’ll have Dad. We’ll be a real family. And that’ll be enough.”
She was convincing herself. She’d run around this argument enough times that she could recite her reasoning by rote even as her gut begged to do exactly what Thomas suggested. Leave the Animos Society forever. Forget about Dad. Live happily with Daniel.
The only problem was thehappilypart. She knew love didn’t last. This thing she felt for him, what he felt for her, it would disappear, and she’d be left with nothing. The only logical solution was to choose family and community over this desperate thrumming in her chest.
“You’re pathetic. You’re going to break his heartandyoursso you can prove something? Because you think the asshole upstairs is gonna suddenly open his eyes and see what an awesome daughter he has? Do you not seeanythingwrong with this? With how selfish you’re being?”
“You know what? Fuck you.” Her cue broke in half when she hurled it at the floor. The steam of her self-righteous rage overflowed, rising too high and too hot for her to contain any longer. Her heart knew her brother was right. About everything. But her mind couldn’t let her accept it. Her eyes burned from the fire they shot into the room. “How’s the view from the sidelines, asshole? You don’t have afuckingclue what this feels like. Don’t youdarecondescend to me about morality and—”
“I was in love with Iris.”
He wasn’t yelling anymore. Gone was the fervor, the need to make her see reason. In its place, he wore an invisible mantel of defeat. Even worse, his eyes rimmed with tears. Honest-to-Godtears. Tears he made no attempt to conceal or blink away. Thomas wanted her to see, wanted to stab her with his unflinching honesty.
The truth was a weapon Sam had no shield against.
“Iris. My entry for the ball. I was in love with Iris and I lost her.” His voice broke and he finally looked away.
It all made sense. His cryptic mutterings about people getting hurt. His warnings about not getting too close.
“Excuse me for trying to save both of you from a lifetime of knowing you lost the most important thing you could ever want.”
