I mentally crossed the last one off the list.
There was no point telling anyone about what’d happened in Aruba when I was about to undo it. After all, who would willingly ask for other people to witness the most humiliating moment of their lives?
A drunken marriage to the man I loved, who had probably only agreed because I was the closest woman available...
A night I couldn’t remember, where I’d given the only man I’d ever wanted to marry my virginity, only for him to turn around and sleep with someone else a few hours later...
That was peak humiliation.
“Because, once again, you’d just reminded me how much you couldn’t stand the thought of ending up with me.”
I forced Gray’s words from my mind, still so sure they’d been nothing more than a line. I was fairly certain Hudson Gray had been born knowing what to say to make women fall at his feet.
“Monroe,” Briggs prompted irritably, only then making me realize I still hadn’t answered.
“It’s just gotten hard,” I admitted.
He shot a glance my way but didn’t ask, just waited.
“Working with him,” I added, the words wrapped in shame I wasn’t sure I’d ever shown around him or any of the guys.
“Gray,” Briggs said in confirmation. When I didn’t respond, he added, “Y’all have always worked best together. The guy thinks of y’all as your own, separate team within ours.”
My head bobbed as more than eleven years of memories flashed through my mind like a dizzying slideshow.
Missions where it’d always been him at my back. Driving Briggs crazy because we hadn’t been able stop fighting, both physically and verbally. Fights that had always ended in an uncontrollable laughter that only Gray had been able to pull from me. Somehow finding mejustafter I’d finished mysmall momentsof weakness when we’d lost Blondie, Barbie, and Tic, and pouring all his strength into me, without judgment.
A year of feeling lost because he and the rest of the guys had already retired and moved on without me. Then finally being back with them—withhim—in Texas. Standing side-by-side on each detail, and feeling unsettled whenever I’d been paired with anyone else because they hadn’t been Gray...because they hadn’t driven me crazy. Because, as Briggs said, Gray and Iwerea team. And Gray breaking an ambassador’s jaw who’d thought it was okay to get handsy with me, even though I’d already been about to swing on the guy, because he’d been no different from all the others.
Throughout all those, the one memory that continuously popped up was from one of the many covert missions we’dexecuted overseas—the night we’d lost Tic. No extra eyes on the compound. No anything. We’d walked into a trap instead and had immediately found ourselves under fire, throwing thecovertpart out the window. But one second, we’d been moving in on the building our target was in, sure we’d finished clearing the outside. The next, Thatch’s hissed curse had sounded through our comms, bursts of gunfire had filled the night air, and I’d been tackled to the ground as I’d turned toward the sound. Just as I’d started fighting off the person on top of me, I’d realized who it was. Roguish smile and dimples still making an appearance, even through the pain that had been lining his face.
“Anyone gets to shoot you, Princess, it’s me,”Gray had wheezed, as if he hadn’t just broken all protocol. As if we’d had time for his teasing. As if multiple bullets hadn’t pierced his vest, and another hadn’t ripped through his shoulder.
If I hadn’t been so terrified by the fact that he hadn’t immediately gotten back into fight, the way he normally would’ve, and been so focused on doing the same myself, I probably would’ve punched him for nearly taking himself from me.
“I know,” I finally said, acknowledging Briggs’ statement about Gray and me. “But some things change.”
Briggs didn’t offer any of his thoughts as we finished the walk to the cars. But once he had the basket in his front passenger seat, and Kaia buckled into her car seat, he turned on me with a sigh.
“Gonna be straight with you because I know you appreciate that,” he began, keeping one hand on the top of the open door, his back to a mumbling Kaia. “The rest of us have been waiting for something to happen between you and Gray because it’s always been obvious to us that somethingshould. At the same time, I’ve been worried forthis.”
He gave me a pointed look, then glanced over his shoulder when Kaia’s voice grew louder for a second. Once his attention was on me again, he said, “I’ve been worried what he would do to hurt you, and how you would try to hurt him in response. It’s clear that’s happened, and it’s hurting our team. Meetings are strained. You’ve been a shell of yourself at the office, and it feels like one wrong look from any of us will cause you to implode. You lost control during adetail. So, something’s gotta give.
“I know you’ve been grieving your mom,” he continued. “And if this change in you was about her, we might be having a different conversation—I’ve had the same conversation with Evans multiple times because of his dad.” He tipped his head and lowered his voice pointedly. “But you just admitted thisisn’t.”
My stare drifted to his before shifting so I was staring straight ahead again. “Nothing happened between Gray and me,” I lied once I was sure Briggs was finished.
Briggs reached across the car seat to produce a floppy, stuffed bunny when Kaia’s exhausted voice broke through. Keeping his eyes on her, he spoke to me. “Try again.”
“Really,” I attempted with more assertion than before. “But Gray—” Alarm pulsed through me when a lump formed in my throat, and I fought to control my emotions—something that was so much more difficult lately. Or maybe it was just because I was admitting things I’d never admitted to anyone else. “He’s stillGray, and I can’t keep watching it from my front row seat.”
At that, Briggs turned to study me. “Have you ever tried telling him that?”
I thought about every woman he’d flirted with or attempted to pick up right in front of me. I thought of every phone number he’d gotten while I’d stood by his side. And, finally, I thought back to the look on his face when he’d found the wedding bands.
“Trust me, it’s better that I don’t,” I said resolutely.
A heavy sigh left Briggs. “Then what am I supposed to do? You’re saying you wanna work for me while telling me it’s gotten hard to continue working with Gray. I’m not firing him when he hasn’t done anything, and we can’t go on the way we have been.”
