What if our relationship is a distraction? What if he has an opportunity and being with me keeps him from it? Thoughts like these follow me all the way to Dot’s Dots. Mindy is late, but that just gives me more time to stew.
We order a dozen, and I splurge on a cappuccino, now that my parents are going to replenish my savings account.
“You look terrible,” Mindy announces cheerfully.
“Good morning to you, too.”
“I mean it in the kindest way possible. Like you’ve been crying but also maybe having an existential crisis?” She tilts her head. “Am I warm?”
“Scorching.” I collapse into the chair at the bistro table and grab a doughnut hole, shoving the entire thing in my mouth.
“So. The Ball.” She leans forward.
“Hole,” I say around a mouthful, thinking she’s referring to the treats between us.
“I mean the Fireman’s Ball. The bet, the public, um, exposure during the honey roast. Um, how are we feeling?” She winces.
“We’re feeling like idiots who made bets about the people we were falling in love with.”
“But you talked it out? Everything is okay between you and Patton, right?” Her voice rises several octaves with anxiety.
She must feel responsible.
“We started to, but then he got called to a fire, and I almost ran away this morning, and now I’m supposed to have lunch with his mother, and—” I stop, realizing I’m spiraling. “I’m a mess.”
“You’re in love. Same thing.” She grabs a doughnut hole, studying me. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What are you really scared of? Because it’s not the fire department. You’ve been watching him do that job for months.”
I close my eyes and lay bare my worries. “I’m scared I’ll be a distraction. That he’ll worry about me worrying about him, and it’ll make him less safe. I’m scared of being too much and not enough at the same time.”
“Wow. That’s impressively neurotic.”
“Um, rude?”
“I mean it as a compliment. You’re overthinking at Olympic levels.” She reaches across the table, squeezing my hand. “But here’s the thing. Patton is a grown man who chose a dangerous job long before he met you. You’re not responsible for his safety any more than you were responsible for saving your family’s restaurant.”
“When did you get so wise?”
“I’ve been taking long walks by the lake.” She grins. “Trying to figure out why I keep dating the wrong guys. Turns out, I’m afraid of commitment because I watched my parents’ messy divorce and decided love was a trap.”
“Mindy—”
“We’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about how you need to show up at that bakery this afternoon and tellPatton all the reasons you’re going to be brave and love him without footnotes, asterisks, or conditions.”
“What if?—?”
“No what-ifs. Just show up.” Her words echo Grandma’s. “Now eat your doughnut holes. You’re meeting his mother and you need to be prepared.”
We end up gabbing for another forty-five minutes about her love life, long term life goals, and everything in between. It feels good to listen and not try to rush in with solutions, to fix things.
But now, I have to go meet Patton’s mother. I could really use a drum roll, an encouraging word … or another doughnut hole.
38
WINNIE
