I’m attracted to him.He tested the thought against the confines of his mind and immediately felt the panicked urge to deny, deny, deny.I’m not gay.I’ve been in loving, happy relationships with women.This time, he breathed through it, remembered Camille fondly, and then allowed the thought to continue.And I could do the same with a man.
The furious, desperate passion that had driven him to pull Ben into the bath had ended with their orgasms, but the attraction had not abated.Phil still liked the look of his broad, freckled shoulders.He still liked the softness at Ben’s waist, the love handles at his back.He liked how Ben’s soft cock swung between his legs, not because he had an insatiable urge to suck it but because it was part of Ben, and he liked Ben.
How had he ignored this about himself for so long?How had he thought he could leave it in the back of his mind and pretend it wasn’t important?
Everything else, the team, Charlie’s guardianship, might be messy and convoluted, but Phil wanted Ben.He wanted him in a big, important, life-changing way, and as the panic of admitting it to himself receded, the other fear loomed larger: that Ben might leave.
“I’m gonna need to shower this off,” Phil announced when Ben finished mopping the floor.
“Uh-huh.”
“And I think I’ll need some help staying upright in the shower.”Phil smiled hopefully and reached out for Ben to help him up.
Ben did, and he let Phil hold on to his shoulders as he stepped out of the tub.But as soon as Phil could stand under his own power, Ben pulled back.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re confused and angry, and you don’t know what you’re doing.”
A wordless noise of protest rose in Phil’s throat.
Ben held up a hand to stop him.
“It’s been an insane day.You asked me to marry you this morning, remember that?”
Of course Phil remembered.“I stand by that.”
“Phil!”Ben stared at him, aghast.
“What?”
“You can’t…I can’t…”
Phil opened his mouth to share some of the thoughts careening through his brain at breakneck pace, only to find he didn’t know the words.Instead, he fell back on an old standby.“I want to help you both, and if this will do it, well, I’ve already gotten married and divorced once.I can do it again.”
But Ben shook his head.“I know it doesn’t mean the same to you.I know you don’t feel the same as I do.But I can’t marry you if I’m planning on getting divorced.I’m not straight, Phil.It would be real for me.”
Didn’t feel the same?How did Phil feel?Did Ben know?Because if he did, it would be really helpful if Ben could tell him.
But Ben only heaved a big sigh.“Look, it’s been a weird day.I know you mean well, but you’re pretty messed up right now.I think you need time to process all of this, the betting stuff and the…other stuff.We’ll figure out something else to tell CPS eventually.”
He turned to go.
Panic once again crowded Phil’s throat.“Wait!”he called, but he still didn’t know what to say.
Ben cocked his head, waiting on something Phil couldn’t provide.
“Don’t…don’t give up on me before I have a chance to…”
To what?To figure himself out after fifteen years of denial?To put a name to the longing that filled him when he saw Ben?To make what they’d play-acted at this morning for Ms.Rogriguez’s benefit real?
“It’s okay, Phil,” Ben said softly.“You’ve given me more than enough already.Get some sleep.”He left Phil standing in the bathroom, naked and bereft.
Did Ben know him so little?Did he think Phil would take back a surefire way to support Charlie because an organization he’d dedicated a decade of his life to hadn’t returned his loyalty?Even though that organization was wholly unconnected to Ben and Charlie?
Phil told him ages ago that his kindness wasn’t in expectation of reward.He chose kindness because he wanted to.He thought Ben understood that.
