Ben couldn’t answer.
He finished cleaning the cups and set them on the drying rack.
Phil took a seat at the kitchen table, watching him steadily.
When Ben couldn’t think of any more ways to occupy his hands, he turned to face Phil.He pasted the facsimile of a smile onto his face.“What’s on for today?Do we have a game?Practice?”
“Rest day,” Phil said.“But Breezy and Mooney are bringing the kids from the shelter to the rink.I thought I could take Charlie?He made a few friends last time.”
“Sounds good,” Ben said.“When do we leave?”
“You don’t have to come.I’m sure you have secret things you need to do that you don’t want me knowing about.”
Ben did.Of course, Ben did.But Charlie’d had a rough morning and needed support, and Phil had had a rough morning and didn’t deserve to be saddled with childcare alone.Not when Ben had given him nothing in return but lies.
Anyway, there wouldn’t be any goal horns this morning.
Charlie’s mood improved rapidly once he heard they were headed for the rink.Ben liked seeing him so enthusiastic about something, even if that something was hockey.
He knew exactly what Charlie saw in the sport.Phil was the first adult to accept him for himself despite having no incentive to do so, and he saw how much Phil loved playing.Phil made the effort to include Charlie, to find other kids his age who could relate, and he never lied to Charlie.Ben had to admit he had done none of those things, too caught up in the responsibility of taking care of Charlie and the team and Pulvermacher’s requests to actually take care of his nephew.
They packed the trunk of Phil’s SUV full of hockey gear and drove to the rink.The whole way there, Phil kept up a light banter with Charlie about the kids from the shelter and how their hockey game was progressing.Charlie wanted to be a goalie—horrifying news for Ben.Phil had already memorized half the shelter kids’ names and had tips for Charlie on how to block their shots.He gave Charlie space to talk first and then talk more.He responded to what Charlie said thoughtfully, and the whole experience made Ben feel as though he was on a weekend excursion with the family he’d never envisioned having.
“It’s Christmas next week,” he blurted out at a stoplight during a lull in the conversation.
“Ugh,” Charlie said.
“Don’t mind him.He’s never had a Christmas not with our family,” Ben said to Phil.“We could do something for the shelter kids—if you both think it’s a good idea?”
“It’s a great idea,” Phil said.“Maybe we could get some rainbow Sea Lions merch or something?”
“Real stuff too.”Charlie said it so quietly Ben could barely hear him in the front seat.
“Hm?”
“Real stuff.Clothes that aren’t hand-me-downs.Not-used-books.Sanitary products.Binders for…for guys like me.”
“If Phil’s footing the bill…”
“Of course Phil’s footing the bill,” Phil said.“But also, let’s ask Breezy.He’s the go-to guy for all the shelter stuff.”
Ben narrowed his eyes.He’d have thought Jax was the go-to guy for the shelter.He could only think of one reason to insist on Breezy.“You just want to put him in a Santa suit on the internet.”
“Leave me my small pleasures in life.”
As if Ben could turn down anything Phil wanted.Anything except maybe marriage.
In the parking lot, Charlie greeted the shelter kids with hugs and fist bumps, and Ben found himself filled with elation when they were genuinely excited to see him as well.Charlie could have a place here.Phil had made him a place here.Charlie had been telling Ben as much for days, that he didn’t want to leave Phil, that he was happy here.Ben had been too scared to listen.
In many ways, he still was.
He trudged up to the stands, ready to watch yet more hockey as the kids slowly trickled onto the ice from below.
“Hi, Coach,” Mooney called up from the ice.Lunes.His name was Diego Lunes, and Ben would not get caught up in the hockey nickname bullshit.
“Lunes.”
“You joining us on the ice?”
