“Because the king would kill me if he knew,” Sin replied. “He does not allow amplissarios to exist outside his own royal line since they're a threat to his power. You can’t tell anyone, Rain. My life is in your hands.”
Bile rose in my throat, and it took all my willpower not to throw up.
“Say something,” he pleaded.
I shook my head at him, trying to figure out some way that this atrocity could possibly be justified, but there was nothing. Nothing to explain this away. Nothing that would ever make this okay.
Sin had to mutilate his body just for the right to exist, and I wanted to throw up because I had asked him to do the same thing to me.
All because I wanted to feel special.
Chapter thirty-three
The air was suffocating with so many unspoken words and so many unanswered questions. I didn’t know what to say. What could I even say? I wanted to apologize for my father and for stupidly asking him to cut me, but anything I said would be too hollow, too insignificant when compared to the damage done.
I turned away from Sin, unable to avoid looking at his back and seeing all the blood my father was responsible for.
Since I couldn’t take the silence either, I asked the first question that came to mind.
“How often?”
“About once a lunar cycle,” he replied slowly, as if afraid the words would upset me.
He was right.
“Oh, God,” I gasped out, dropping my head to my hands. Once a month. Once a month he had to carve up his back to keep his secret. And if he was seventy-seven that meant… I didn’t want to know the answer. Didn’t want to do the math. Whatever thenumber, it was too many. Too many times he had been forced to endure this.
“The fenite flakes Corym puts on my back help. They cause some pretty awful scars, but it takes longer for the ramentum to fully reappear that way. They always come back though. They’re part of me, part of my magic, and this is the only way to keep them hidden. I cannot risk that I might get injured in training, and a healer would need to remove my shirt.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “This is what you meant the other day, isn’t it? When you said you had grown somewhat desensitized to the fenite.”
Sin exhaled, and his breath tickled the back of my ear.
I wanted so badly to turn around. To take him in my arms and hold him until this world wasn’t so awful anymore.
But the world would always be awful. His world. My world. It was all the same. Everyone suffered in the end.
Shoring up my nerves, I shifted around to face him then, bracing myself for the sight of his back but knowing he deserved a comforting presence. I wouldn’t abandon him no matter how difficult it was.
I gave him a sad smile. “I guess I can’t complain about my scars anymore, can I?”
Sin’s lip curled up into a smirk, and he ran a hand down the side of my face. He rested his thumb on my bottom lip, and I had to resist the urge to open my mouth and capture it.
“Don’t worry, Fea Remia. I have complete faith that you'll find something else to complain about.”
I laughed as I sank against the couch, allowing my head to fall beside his on the soft fabric. The heaviness in the room had lifted, and my body felt a little lighter. If Sin could make jokes, he would be okay.
Nothing outside of this room would ever be okay again, but at least for now, we could hide from the world.
“I’m proud of you, you know,” Sin said, taking my chin with two fingers and gently tilting my head toward his.
“Why?” I asked, feeling wholly unworthy of the light shining in his eyes.
“Because you didn’t panic,” he whispered, leaning forward to brush his lips against mine, gentle, inquisitive, as if giving me the chance to pull away. “You got a little angry, sure.” Another feather light kiss. “And I have to admit watching you rough up Corym was a little hot.” A deeper kiss. “But you kept your cool. You didn’t break down.” Even deeper. “I’m so proud of you.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. Curling my hand around the back of his neck, I let myself sink into his kiss. I groaned as he parted his lips, and my tongue slipped in to meet his.
He kissed me like it was our first time. I kissed him like I was drowning, and he was my only source of air.
