I should have been relieved that I didn’t have to hide anymore, but I couldn’t shake the tiny hint of doubt that bloomed in the pit of my stomach.
He has obviously told you very little about his present because you would not be with him otherwise.
How much did I really know about Sin?
“Where are we going?” I asked Sin later that evening when he dragged me from the ballroom. After Dey left, I’d suffered through maybe ten more dances with random courtiers and competitors while my father regarded me intently from his throne at the back of the ballroom.
“I just need to get you alone for a minute,” he said as we rushed down a darkened hallway toward the back stairs. “Just one minute. Maybe five. Then we can go back. You have no idea the torture it is to watch you dance with those other males. I adore Kinyx, but if his hand dropped any lower I would have been honor bound to snap it off.”
I laughed at Sin’s faux bloodthirstiness, knowing full well that he would never harm the young male.
I stumbled in my heels as Sin pulled me up the winding staircase at the back of the castle. In a flash, he had one arm behind my back and the other behind my knees. I fell backward into his arms, and a high-pitched squeal slipped out and echoed along the stairwell as Sin charged up the steps.
“You know I can walk,” I said through giggles.
“Of course you can. But do you really think I would pass up any opportunity to hold you in my arms?”
He pushed the door open, and a cool night breeze washed over my face as we emerged near the rear parapet of the main keep. “It gets harder and harder to let go of you,” Sin confessed, setting me on my feet. “There might come a day when I’m no longer able to.”
I rose onto my tiptoes, kissed him sweetly, and whispered, “I know the feeling.” Pulling out of his arms, I turned to take in the view. “It’s beautiful,” I gasped, the full visual hitting me.
My previous trips to the roof had always been at the front of the castle, but here at the very back, I could step up to the edge of the parapet and see nothing but the sea. No bustling courtyard. No city lights. Only crashing waves and a thick, dark fog.
The rooftop space was expansive, and it was so freeing to be out in the open air, away from the stuffy rooms of the palace. I took a deep breath in, and when I let it out, a tremendous weight sloughed from my shoulders.
Looking down at the thousand foot drop to the jagged rocks below, I envied the waves that crashed against them. How they slammed into the sharp stones, broke into a million pieces, and slowly reformed only to do it over and over again. They were unrelenting, those waves. Able to withstand repeated abuse and yet still find their way back to themselves.
Sin’s arms slid around my waist as he came up behind me. “Your mother used to do that exact same thing,” he said.
“What thing?”
“Exhale the weight of the world the second she got up here. This is where we would chat most nights. It was her favorite spot because she couldn’t see the city. I think she wanted nothing more than to put Civi Obsura behind her.” He paused. “It was hard for her, being a human in this world that harbors so much hatred for them. Even here at the castle, everyone treated her like a walking disease. Like something to fear. None of Verren’s orders to treat her with respect were heeded. I’m sure you saw a bit of that warm welcome yourself.”
I had, and I was even half-Vitaean. What my mother went through must have been awful.
I twisted around in his arms, wanting to see his face even more than the ocean. He was like my own portable sea. My personal source of calm and happiness.
He regarded me with so much love in his eyes, and I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t deserve it. Sin loved the same way that he fought—with his entire being—and I wanted to be worthy of him.
“Sin…” I began, needing to tell him how I felt.
He put a finger on my lips before I could say anything. “Look up, Fea Remia.” His tone, gentle yet commanding, sent my gaze skyward without hesitation.
Sin’s illusion earlier had been nearly perfect, but when compared to the real thing… The blues and purples of faraway galaxies gleamed in the darkness, surrounded by trillions of shining stars that humbled any who would dare gaze upon them for too long.
There was no pollution here. No big cities to dim their brilliance. The small flickers of lamplight from Civi Adasa coulddo nothing to impede the magnificence of the celestial tapestry that unfurled above me.
Painstakingly, I lowered my eyes to meet Sin’s. “Can we stay here?” I asked with a vulnerability I didn’t recognize. “I don’t want to go back.”
“I don’t want to take you back,” he said, pulling me tight against his chest. “I could spend hours watching you watch the night sky. The way your eyes light up. The way your lips part slightly in awe, and you forget to breathe at times. The way you slow your blinking as if you fear closing your eyes for even a second. You are so beautiful, Rain. And it breaks my heart that you don’t see yourself the way I see you.” He claimed my mouth, and I gave myself over to the tender kiss.
There was no pulsing heat or flood of desire. There was no urge to rip his clothing off. As he cupped the back of my neck gently, I felt only his love. His ocean-deep, unending love for me that went way past the physical into something that made me uncomfortable.
I could handle sex and desire. I could show him that I loved him with my body. What he was giving me, though, was so much deeper, and I didn’t know how to reciprocate.
Maybe I wasn’t capable of loving him the way he loved me—completely and utterly without reservation or hesitation. Or maybe I was just too scared to.
I pulled away from the kiss and turned to lean out over the parapet. I needed the soothing calm of the breaking waves while I sorted through my emotions.
