“Engaged.”
I scan Pa’s face and his expression remains the same. Calm as ever.
“And that doesn’t bother you?”
He pauses.
“You’re not mad? Hurt? Jealous?!”
Pa leans back and takes a deep breath. “I guess when you get older, Superstar, emotions don’t overwhelm you as much anymore. You learn to manage your feelings better. That’s what helps you deal with the hard things that life brings you.”
I still have no idea how he does it. How am I supposed to manage my emotions when my insides feel like a ticking time bomb? I mean, I’m even confused about how my sister handlesherfeelings. How can Achi be so mature and completely happy about Ma and Dr. Derrick?
Maybe that’s the point of growing up. Does getting older mean you’re not supposed to feel things anymore?
So I try to shove every emotion back down, not let things get to me when I ask another question.
“Is my theory true?” I ask, and Pa turns to me. “That you only have forty days here?”
Pa smiles at me then. “Nika, let’s just enjoy the time we have.”
“But it’s true?”
That’s the only moment his expression breaks; the smile falls from his eyes. “I didn’t want you to worry,” Pa says. “I was trying to protect you from knowing…”
“I’d rather know,” I assure him.
A beat passes before Pa finally nods. “You’re right.”
“Okay,” I say, steadying my voice.
“So that means you only have thirty-nine days left?”
He turns to me and puts two thumbs up. “And we’re going to make the most of those thirty-nine days, right?”
My throat feels hot when this sinks in.Listen to Pa’s advice. Manage your feelings, don’t let emotions overwhelm you.
“You’re sure you can’t stay longer?”
Pa moves to pat my wrist even if I can’t feel his touch. “We have to accept the things we can’t change, Superstar.”
I force a smile when Pa resumes singing along to my playlist. See what happens when I stay calm? Pa actually takes me seriously and gives me direct answers. So I focus on being in the moment and forgetting that Ma’s marrying someone else.
And that I only have thirty-nine days before I have to say bye to Pa again.
17
It turns out, I’m a natural at managing my emotions.
I woke up this morning pissed at a lot of people. My sister climbed to the top of my list after she rudely woke me up by ripping the blanket off me again.
How this would usually play out in the past: I’ll yell at her for grabbing my blanket, she’ll yell back that I’m just pissed at her for hiding Ma’s dress fittings from me, I’ll yell again because now I’m doubly pissed, and so on and so forth.
This morning, though, I chose peace.
Scratch that. I chosematurity.
As I was lying on my bed, still adjusting from being blanket-less against my will, I stood up and greeted Achi, “Morning.” No yelling, no insults, no anger. Even Pa was speechless from my perfect display of control.
