Right when I say it, Achi does a complete one-eighty. Her whole face softens once she lays out the truth that still breaks my heart. “Niks, Pa isn’t with us anymore.”
It’s what she said when she broke the news to me the first time.
It’s what she said when I went back to school and expected Pa to be in the driver’s seat.
It’s what I’ve been hearing over and over again for the past five years…
But why does it still make time stop and the rest of the world fade into background noise?
Why does the truth crush every single thing inside me all the time?
“Nika!” Achi calls out to me when I start running.
I wipe the tears that slide down my cheeks and hug Pa’s picture to my chest as my feet pound on the concrete harder. There’s a sharp tug at my throat and a hitch at my sides, but I push myself to go faster—hoping there’s something, anything I can do to stop feeling this much hurt again.
7
“Dr. Derrick had no right to be there. And Ma should’ve at least asked us before inviting him! I’m sure he’s the last person you’d want to see on your death anniversary!”
I’m pacing around my room and rambling to the picture of my dead father on my bed.
The upside of my meltdown: I finally figured out how to talk to Pa. It turns out, all I need is to become completely unhinged.
I fold my hands above my head while my phone keeps buzzing with notifications from Achi and Ma.
Ma: Annika, where are you?—Beth
Ma: We reserved for lunch at 12 if you want to go straight there.—Beth
Ma: Remember, don’t go straight home!—Beth
Ma: Please answer so I know that you’re safe.—Beth
Achi: HOY!!!!! ANSWER!!!! DO YOU ENJOY SHOOTING UP MA’S BLOOD PRESSURE?!
The image of Dr. Derrick showing up at the cemetery kept replaying in my head, and all I wanted was revenge. So I didn’t drop by a McDo or a Chinese restaurant—I went straight home, daring the whole universe to let the spirits into our condo.
I still stand by being in the right and that Dr. Derrick waswayout of line. But now that my blood has cooled down, other things are going through my mind. God. Ma looked so crushed when I shouted at her.
“You’re on my side, right?” I ask, turning to Pa’s picture.
His stern, stone-faced eyes stare back at me. I really hate that Achi picked out this photo for Pa’s display. It’s the headshot he used for his warehouse business. Unlike the Piano Man in theYouTube videos, Boss Antonio Ilagan is always in corporate attire, arms folded, signifying that he commands the room and always means business. And what I hate most about the picture is how edited it is. Achi said that Pa’s company wanted his profile to look “presentable,” but it looks like the photo flattened and brushed off features that made Pa… Pa.
The photo completely edited out the scar on top of Pa’s left eye. Whenever I asked him about his scar, Pa always joked that it was his “magical scar” that made him see better. Achi only told me the real story years later—that Pa got the scar when I was a baby. She said that he dove and grabbed me when a ceiling fan almost fell on my stroller.
After more check-in messages from Ma, I quickly send her anI’m okmessage with a thumbs-up emoji.
Ma heart-reacts it while Achi messages:i’m ok?!?!?!?! that’s all you’re going to say???
I groan and grab Pa’s picture to mope in the kitchen. Aside from the gnawing guilt eating up my insides, my stomach’s also been rumbling from skipping lunch. Pa’s eyes keep following me while I search through the kitchen for something to heat up.
That’s when I find the six-pack box of siopaos. These were the ones I was supposed to give Seph for walking with me from school.
I can already feel the judgment from Pa’s picture frame.
“If I eat these, then I can give Seph a fresh batch,” I argue. “And you know how Ma hates it when people don’t eat her siopaos right away.”
The judginess continues to exude from the photo.
