The room grows quiet after that.
I then feel the need to add, “But I realize he’s not… the worst guy in the world,” I assure her. “Like you could’ve done way worse, especially with all the kidnappers lurking around the internet.”
But Ma’s face still stays serious despite the joke. “I should’ve been smarter about all of it,” she says. “With everything that’s going on, being with Derrick, it felt like he understood…” I notice how Ma’s face brightens with each mention of his name. “I should’ve called off the wedding earlier when I saw how it was affecting you.”
Then she ends with a wistful voice, “Maybe I got too carried away.”
“You were happy, Ma,” I tell her, and squeeze her hand. “I want you to be happy.”
She wipes her eyes and clutches my shoulder. “I thought people only cried this much in the movies.”
“Could be fun if they made one about us.” My mind wanders and imagines an Ilagan major motion picture. “We could star in thePagpagsequel.”
Ma considers this. “That sounds too dark. Our family isn’t going to be in a horror movie. I want a happy film.”
“I think that’s hard with the whole dead dad thing.”
“Our family can still have a love story,” she insists.
“Maybe Pa would’ve gotten a different ending in the movie.”
I say it without really thinking—again. That part of my brain that’s supposed to be in charge of filtering out what I say? Pretty sure that’s nonexistent.
But then Ma nods like she understands. “Because movies never kill off the best characters.”
She smiles when I add, “They would never kill you off, either.”
Ma notices the clock on her tablet and tells me I should really get some sleep. “No more keeping everything to yourself, okay?”
Um.
Okay, from where I’m standing, I have two choices. One: Lie and basically cancel out the progress that Ma and I made in our heart-to-heart. Two: Tell the truth and risk getting sent to the hospital for grief hallucinations.
“Um. Ma?” I carefully ask. “There’s something you need to know.”
Ma looks at me and the words tumble out of my mouth. “When I didn’t pagpag after Pa’s death anniversary, his spiritcame back. He was sort of a spirit, I think, but he felt real, Ma, so I thought Pa could stay with us permanently.”
Then I recap everything from the forty-day superstition to everything that went down during prom night, to how I’ve spent the last day searching for any signs of Pa.
“I don’t know if there’s a way we can contact him. There must be experts who know how to get in touch with spirits. Maybe we can ask Father Melvin, like that should be something they teach priests… Wait. Ma, where are you going?”
Before I finish talking, Ma climbs out of bed and changes out of her pajamas. She snatches the car keys from her drawer and tells me to go get her bag.
Lord, did I just shoot up my mother’s blood pressure?
She tells me to get dressed, too, and I repeat the same question.
And Ma says, “We’re going to bring back your father.”
40
For the first time in Lilibeth Ilagan’s whole existence, she chooses to buck superstition.
She called up my sister, told her we were picking her up and driving to the Memorial Park. Achi had a ton of questions, but all Ma said was that we didn’t need to do the usual protocol.
Usually, once we set foot inside the cemetery, Ma gives us a red envelope and a pouch of rice that we’re supposed to throw away as we exit. Even when Achi mentioned to my mom that she had an extra ang pao in her bag, Ma said we didn’t need any tonight.
“We want the spirits to follow us this time.”
