I sit there, stunned. “But that’s not what happened.”
“She and her parents had suffered enough,” he says. “People would have seen Bettina differently if they found out she had been drinking. All the good she brought into the world would have been reduced to a tragic mistake. Sometimes, we have to hide things to protect our families.”
“So you never told anyone the truth?”
“Not until I met your mother.”
My mind gets dizzy imagining how long he’s kept that all in.
“Bettina loved talking about the moon and the stars, so some part of me thinks she’s somewhere in the sky,” he says, pointing up.
His moon obsession was number seven on my list.
“… Do you really think Bettina hears you when you talk to the moon?”
He stares at the ceiling again, weighing his words. “If it’s possible for the moon to control the ocean’s tides, who’s to say that our dead loved ones can’t hear us?”
It sounds like something Pa would say.
“Dr. Derrick,” I prompt, and he turns to me.
“Does it… ever stop hurting?”
He returns my question with a sad smile. “Your family lost the love of your life, Annika,” he tells me without sugarcoating it. The fact that he doesn’t make one of those promises that “you’ll be okay soon” or “just give it time” tells me he really does get it.
“Was Bettina the love of your life?”
He considers the question. “A love of my life, yes,” he answers. “Although, when I think aboutthelove of my life… the title would have to go to your mother.”
Disgusting, I almost say. It’s a miracle that the statement doesn’t make me puke.
“That’s the kind of stuff that should go on your cards.”
“Should I draw a tooth next to it?”
I bite back a smile. At least he’s learning.
“Annika,” he says. “This is still a safe space, correct?”
Lord, does he still have more trauma to unpack?
“The cavity on your right molar is very alarming,” he says with such a pained expression. “Can you please use the Waterpik I gave you?”
After the most painful dental cleaning I’ve ever had in my life, Dr. Derrick sends me home with a card that has a cartoon tooth cradling a heart. On the bottom, there’s an added pun:It’s okay to have fillings.
39
I still couldn’t find Pa anywhere.
Every single place I can think of, anywhere that I remember he’s been to before—there were no signs of my father. The security guard at his old bank had to escort me out after I scanned the lobby area again for the tenth time.
After I came home with nothing to report, Ma told me that Achi said she was staying over at her own condo tonight. At least this means I don’t have to face a night of awkward silence with Achi in our bedroom.
Although I doubt that being alone and dehydrating my whole body is any better.
God.Stop crying. Stop crying!
Why are you still crying?!
