She worries her lip. I so badly want to take her hands and smooth her back and knead her shoulders and make her believe this will turn out ok. The distance is unnerving. A blank space we filled this time yesterday.
‘I can’t believe you remembered all my favourite things,’ Minnie says.
That’s a punch to the gut. Why wouldn’t I? These are so basic. I know her hair’s more high maintenance than I am. She’s incapable of being anywhere on time. She says she doesn’t have a favourite dog, but it’s Maple. She got a B in A Level art and kicks herself about it to this day.
I also know all this lying to her mum’s eating away at her. She never feels enough because of her dad, and I’ll always hatehim for that. She misses baking but the words will never leave her lips. And, most heartbreakingly to watch, she clams up when she’s sad.
‘I remember everything about you, Min,’ I murmur.
Her smile’s tiny and I’m so sure she’s going to kiss me, but she turns to run the bath. Winning her trust has been an uphill climb and for a few perfect weeks, I was her safe place. It stirred caveman instincts I didn’t know I had. When we saw each other, she’d melt into me. When something was wrong, she’d tell me first.
Now she’s blocking me out and it feels like a nail’s being driven through my chest. I know it’s mostly my fault and I did fuck up, but she has to forgive me at some point, right? She can’t stay mad at me forever. The idea of losing this... I need to make things right.
When she emerges from the bathroom, her hair’s wet, her glasses are steamed up and her skin smells of roses. She’s almost too beautiful to be real even when she’s upset.
‘How was your minotaur?’ I ask.
‘I didn’t read.’
A knock on the door saps all the colour from her face. She looks like Ted Bundy’s calling.
‘Hide,’she mouths.
‘It’s only the takeaw?—’
‘Shhh! Hide.’
This is insanity. I duck behind the bathroom door while she receives our food. When he’s gone, she slumps on the bed, trapped by her thoughts. I’ve never felt so helpless. She’s tense as hell. I tell myself food will sort everything and unpack the containers.
‘Can you go please?’ she says, and I stop.
When I turn, she’s staring into nothing. ‘What?’ It’s barely above a whisper.
‘I want to be left alone.’
Terror grips me. ‘Minnie, I’m so sorry, I never meant?—’
‘Stop. Please just go.’
I study her eyes on the verge of tears, her skin scarily pale. ‘Tell me how to make it better,’ I say so softly I don’t know if it carries over the air-con. ‘I can’t stand seeing you like this.’
Without looking at me, she wipes a tear and gets up to hand me my dinner. I don’t know what to say so I take it and walk to the door, knowing leaving’s a mistake but not seeing any other option.
This isn’t how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to win her over, make her smile, be her sounding board. Now I feel like… I don’t know what I’m leaving.
‘You forgot your cake,’ she says behind me.
‘I made it for you. Keep it.’ I meet her eyes. ‘This will be better tomorrow, you’ll see.’
I almost don’t recognise the woman looking back at me. ‘No it won’t.’
Chapter 40
MINNIE
BAKU
‘RaceX have brought a new flooranda new beam wing with them,’ Brian’s saying. I zone out. It’s not like I’m going to get a word in soon anyway.
