‘Stop. Punishing. Me.’
‘Your calves are tight. I can see it a mile off.’
‘Pinching them’s not going to help, is it?’
She juts her chin out. ‘I was loosening the muscle.’
Loosening tears more like. I rotate my leg and, lo and behold, angry little half-moon marks. ‘Look!’
‘All I see is your tight soleus, which I didn’t get a chance to work on yet because you chickened out –like you’ve been doing a lot lately.’
Oh so we’re really doing this. ‘What the fuck’s your problem?’
‘You’re a coward, Jack Bowden?—’
‘Am not!’
‘—which is hilarious for someone who takes their life in their hands every time they go to work.’
‘You have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Oh yeah? You keep crying when you think I’m not looking, your driving’s shit, your concentration’s all over the place.’
I clear my throat. ‘I’m fine. My leg’s not, though.’
‘Don’t change the subject. You did this to yourself. You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you, and in the most callous way, too.’
‘You havenoidea what happened?—’
‘I know exactly what happened, I heard it from Kurt’s performance coach. You treated Minnie like poo. It took real guts for her to admit her feelings – especially for someone with just as many commitment issues as you – and you threw it back in her face. Did she deserve that?’
Of course not. I can’t stand that I hurt her, even more than losing her. It’s eating me alive. I was supposed to be her protector, the man to sew up her dad’s wounds, the one she could count on. But I panicked.
‘I can’t be who she needs me to be, George,’ I murmur, staring at the floor.
That calms her and for the first time all week, her eyebrows draw apart. ‘Relationships aren’t just about give; you don’t sign on the dotted line to relinquish yoursoul. The whole thing’s mutual. What do you need from her? Is she what you need her to be?’
I recoil, offended on Minnie’s behalf. ‘She’s what I want exactly as she is. I wouldn’t change anything about her. I just can’t love her like she deserves.’
‘Why not?’
I give her a look. She knows why not. I don’t need to say it.
‘Stop hiding behind Luca.’ Georgie rolls her eyes, and I start at how casually she throws around his name. We never talk about him anymore. ‘This isn’t about him and you know it. He was my friend too, and he would’ve hated you scapegoating him like this.’
What the actual fuck? ‘I’m not?—’
‘Ok, maybe scapegoating’s too strong, but he doesn’t deserve all the credit. You have issues, pal, and you’re never going to be happy if you keep running from them.’
Thanks, Dr Phil, I’ll keep that in mind. I know I have issues, that’s not news. In my life, love has never been sunshine and rainbows. Love is shackling, being forced into a dutiful life you’re not ready for. Love is misery, watching the people you care about suffer day in, day out. Love is grief, forever humming in the background.
Minnie deserves better. A man who knows how to give love and receive it; who can share what he’s thinking and feeling; who doesn’t panic when she’s honest with him; who’s proud to tell the world she’s his. I’m not enough and I never will be.
‘I can’t do it, George. I just can’t.’
I walk out before she can argue. She doesn’t need to remind me that I lost the best thing in my life. I’m doing a stellar job of that all on my own.
Chapter 52
