She doesn’t budge, eyes drilling into me. ‘And I want you to call us what we are – a relationship.’
‘You’re out of your mind.’
‘What do you think a relationship is, Jack? Do you think I’m going to chain myself to you, never let you leave, and drag you kicking and screaming down the aisle? Newsflash: you’re already in a relationship. I’m not asking for anything diff?—’
‘Stop!’
‘What do you think we are?!’
I press my eyes and take a deep breath. We can’t be having this conversation. ‘We’re fr?—’
‘Don’t youdaresay friends-with-benefits. We weren’t for one minute. Fuck buddies don’t cook breakfast, Jack. They don’t make it their mission to heal the other person’s wounds. They don’t take them onholiday.’
I don’t understand what she’s getting at. I thought she was different; I thought she wanted the same things as me. Why does she have to go and be clingy like every other girl? Why do they always want more? I was upfront from the beginning and yet it’s me who feels like shit, like I’m letting her down, like I’ve done something wrong. How is that fair?
‘Who cares if that’s not the right label. Why would you want it to change?’ I say, trying to ignore my heart beating so fast I’m probably in danger of going into cardiac arrest.
‘It won’t change. I want you to call it what it is!’
‘Why does it matter?’
‘Because I just flew across the world to be shut in your driver room,’ she says quietly. It sounds rubbish when she puts it like that. Her eyes are welling up and I feel wank about it but it’snot my fault. ‘I’m asking for acknowledgement. I’m asking for dinner in a restaurant. I’m asking for the man I’m bending over backwards for to admit he cares about me.’
‘I do care about you! Of course I do. You’re one of my favourite people in the whole world. How do you not know that?’
A tear dribbles down her cheek. I make to wipe it but fist and withdraw my hand instead. She turns to pick up her bag. I don’t understand anything. Where did this come from? When did she change her mind? Was it something I did? We had a good thing going, why did she have to screw it up?!
But there’s one thing I do understand. When she leaves, she’s not coming back. I can beg her to stay until I turn blue but what’s the point? I can never give her what she wants. I don’t even fully get what she wants. My chest constricts just trying to unpick it.
I link my hands around the back of my neck and look at the floor while she leaves. Not watching might make it easier.
‘You’re the worst kind of heartbreaker, Jack,’ Minnie says from the doorway. ‘You’re the kind who doesn’t even know he’s doing anything wrong.’
Turns out averting your eyes does jack shit. You still feel like you’ve been sawed in half.
Chapter 50
MINNIE
SURREY, ENGLAND
Educational animal presenter at the zoo? This might have legs. It reads:‘You will keep a selection of the animals at home with you’. Hm, not sure how the dogs will like a lemur taking up residence in the utility room. Next.
TikTok Live Sales Presenter for a cheese company? Next.
English teacher? Not sure how that relates to my search.
This is hopeless. At this rate, I’ll be unemployed into the next decade, which firmly deviates from the timeline I spent half of yesterday making (it has glitter and everything). More specifically, I have two weeks, four days and nine hours to secure a new job.
Then phase two commences: move out three months after, and be in a proper relationship by next summer. I’ve even downloaded Hinge, but after being royally humbled, it’s been paused. Proactivity is what I need right now. Anything to avoid thinking about…
Emails. I must check my emails. I’ve applied for twenty-three jobs so far this week, and it’s only Wednesday. Excellent, there’s a new one! It’s… from Celine Fournier?
There’s an opening in her team.
She wants a Zoom call this week.
Hang on.
