I look up at Atticus, and he blurs. I’m crying again. “He’s mine,” I say. “My… fiancé. I’ll do it.”
“All right, we’ll hold him down for you.”
“No,” I sniffle. “No. I’ll be okay.”
“He might fight,” Atticus warns.
“He won’t hurt me.”
“Call out if you need us.” Atticus and his team rip off their gloves and throw them in the hazmat container, leaving me and Kaiser alone.
The room feels so big and empty. Kaiser usually fills every space with his presence, but now he’s small, shrunk down, confined to a bed. His beautiful eyes are under a shroud.
It’s like he’s lying in a tomb, ready for death.
I can’t stand it. But I did this to him, so I’d better face the consequences. His head lifts when I move to his side. “Bella?”
“I’m here.” I don’t know what to say. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not. I’d do it again.”
I place the container of lotion close enough that his fingers can brush it. “I have to put this on your skin.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s okay. I can take the pain.”
38
Bella
I can take the pain.
I nod, because I know it’s true. Kaiser can take the pain. He’s taken everything I’ve dished out.
I feel such despair. I’ve done nothing but hurt him. He had to be strong to survive me. He almost didn’t.
I want to touch him. Stroke his face, cup his cheeks, kiss his lips. Caress his cauliflower ears.
I pull on a pair of latex gloves instead. “I’m going to start on your face. I’ll be gentle but… tell me when to stop.”
“My safeword is kumquat.”
Oh no, he didn’t. “Shut up,” I whisper. My tears are falling again. “Shut up—” I press the back of my hand to my eyes. I don’t want to lose it. But I am.
“Hey.” He reaches for me, grabbing my arm, and I don’t pull away. “Come here.”
“I can’t,” I say, even as I let him pull me so I’m sitting on the bed. I don’t want him to strain himself. “I’ll hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He takes my hand and presses it to his jaw. His skin is cracked and bubbling, an angry red ready to ooze pus.
“I’m hurting you,” I say.
“It doesn’t hurt. It feels like heaven.”
“Liar.”
