I climb up and place the urn there. I wrapped it in a plastic bag to keep it safe from the elements or a curious squirrel. Livia will be safe up there.
When I climb back down, I lean against the tree. I feel Kaiser’s presence; he’s close, but he’s in stalker mode. Giving me space.
He’s here for me, but I have to do this alone.
You never think of the consequences, my father told me. And he’s right. I didn’t think of what would happen when Livia sought me out and begged me to sell her a poison to end her abusive husband’s life.
I couldn’t have predicted this. Would I have done it if I’d known what would happen?
I don’t know, but I think so. Because sometimes doing something right leads to bad things happening.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I’m so sorry.”
And then I’m sobbing and can’t stop. For all the mothers who do their best to stand up to evil men but die anyway. For their children who will grow up without their love.
For my own mother and my childhood self.
You need to grow up, my father said.
He’s right.
Kaiser picks me up and carries me back to our bedroom. He handles me like a child, washing my face and putting me to bed, but I don’t fall asleep.
It’s midnight when I sit up. Kaiser is sleeping deeply when I slip out of bed. He frowns but doesn’t stir.
I head back down to my greenhouse. To the small dark room beside it, where I keep the most potent poisons. Some I use to kill weeds. Some I use to kill pests.
Some I’ve used to kill men, but no one knows about that.
What I have with Kaiser is new. Fragile. A fresh green sprout breaking from the soil. So easy to rip out. So easy to kill.
He’s told me we can have a life together.
But I refuse to be a pawn in this game.
They can make me marry him, but they can’t make me be anything but a wife in name only.
Whatever we have between us cannot grow, so it’s best to pull it out by the roots while it’s small. Before it’s taken hold.
I would mourn what we could’ve had, but the time for tears is over.
I need to grow up.
I open one jar filled with a thick white liquid. It’s a balm made of different compounds distilled from tansy, larkspur, and hellebore and causes blistering, pain, and nausea. I spread it over my skin.
Pain bursts through me, searing every nerve. My mouth opens in a scream.
I can’t cry out; it’ll wake Kaiser. I shake with the force of holding the sound in.
It feels like dying. It feels like everything I am is burning away.
And it feels like absolution.
I open another jar and another. I dig out all the poisons and smear them on my skin. I open the vials and gulp the tinctures down.
It hurts, but it’s necessary.
I know the mistake I made with the Vesuvios. I thought I wasn’t strong enough to take them on. I thought I needed to wait, to hone my abilities at Mafia University and build resources.
