I’ve failed.Again.It doesn’t matter how much I try, the murderer always wins.I learned that lesson decades ago, and now I’m forced to face it again.
The dream changes, and now I’m in bed, huddling under the covers, hearing the floorboards creak.Hoping it’s just the dog moving around beyond my door, but knowing it’s not.
It’s him.The killer has come for me.
I feel the same rush of terror my childhood self felt the night the Bondage Killer came for my family.This time, I’m a grown woman but just as frightened and helpless as I was then.My whole body is frozen in the bed.
And then the screams begin.
I come awake with a gasp, clawing the blanket off of me.I’m too hot and too cold at the same time.My skin is clammy with sweat.My stomach cramps, and I clench my teeth to keep from retching.I haven’t eaten, so I’d be puking up nothing but stomach acid.
“Inara?”Rex sits up beside me, and I startle as I register his presence.He’s here and huge and warm.A shadow moves, and I flinch before realizing he only lifted a hand to touch me.
“It’s okay.”He waits until I reach for him and slides his arms around me.“You’re here with me.”
I sink into his warmth.My teeth are chattering, not because I’m cold but because I’m afraid.I cling to him like he’s my only hope, my only bastion against the encroaching terror.
“Shhh, little bird.”He soothes me.His voice is a deep well I can fall into, but there’s a tinge of sorrow like his heart is breaking.
“You’re safe,” he says.
But he’s wrong.
It’s not just a dream.The Bondage Killer is back.I’m trapped in a nightmare I can’t escape because it’s real.
“Another bad dream?”
Rex doesn’t know about my visions.The secret is swelling, pressing on the inside of my skull, screaming to break free.But I can’t give in.
“I dreamed I was back at the house.”I don’t clarify and I don’t have to.He knows I mean the victim’s house from earlier.Did it all happen less than twenty-four hours ago?It feels like it was long ago.I feel like I’ve aged a hundred years.
I touch the metal encircling my neck.So much has happened in the past few days.I came to Rex to entrap him and learned more than I dreamed I would.I fell into his arms, and it felt right.
Too right.I can’t give in to him, and yet, right now, he’s the only thing keeping me sane.I need him.His comfort and his darkness.
I can’t allow him to own me fully, but I can allow him to hold me, if only for a moment.
“It’s not your fault.”He brushes my cheek, and I realize he’s swiping at my tears.
I withdraw from his warmth, wrapping my arms around myself.I still feel like I’m encased in concrete.It was only a dream, but the sensations followed me, lingering like a vision.My psyche is tormenting me.“I was there, but I couldn’t stop it.”And that’s true, isn’t it?I had a vision of the latest victim’s death right here in this bed.And I did nothing.
I don’t deserve rest or comfort.I should be at the precinct, working through the night to stop the man who destroyed my family.But I’m so exhausted.My head is filled with cotton, fuzzy and full of funhouse mirrors reflecting fragments of my visions and nightmares back to me.
“You’re not the one to blame.”
I shake my head, and he catches my chin and says in his dom voice, “You’re not.”
I swallow.As soon as he lets go, I cover my face with my hands.“I feel like I’m going mad,” I tell him.It hurts to get the words out.It’s so hard, flaying myself open like this.Letting him see my insides.
“You’re not.But even if you were, it’d be alright.”
I peek through my fingers.He’s cloaked in darkness, but I can still imagine his beautiful face.“You’d still want me?”It’s meant to be a joke, but it comes out ragged, close to a sob.He doesn’t know the full extent of my brokenness.He knows me better than anyone else, but I’ve managed to keep some secrets from him.
“I’ll always want you.”He sounds so confident, so assured.I want to squirm away.I don’t want anyone to see me like this, but especially not him.He sees too much of me already.
“I just want to be okay,” I whisper.I worked so hard to hold myself together.But I was never whole.I’ve lost any hope of healing.I’m broken and always will be.
“You are okay.”His hands cover mine.Not coaxing me open but holding me, reinforcing my own barriers so I feel safe.
