I grunt, reminding myself that even though Bhodi’s a nurse, he wasn’t here all those years ago when Tam was so banged up from the accident. He doesn’tknow.
Or maybe he does.
Bhodi sets Esme on the couch with a blanket and the wooden books Tam wrote for her. Then he’s on me, checking my temperature, peering into my face. “Sure you’re not coming down with this too?”
“I’m fine.” I evade him, already heading for the door while my heart hollers at me to stay with Esme. “I need to get back to work.”
“Looks like you need a week of sleep, mate.”
He’s not wrong about that. But sleeping means stopping, and I just fucking can’t. So I keep going, bouncing between the job site and my sick kid all day long without taking a breath. Slamming doors, loading wood, losing myself to the noise and rhythm of power tools, driving and driving and driving, as ifI can somehow outrun the truth. That Galen held me like he wanted me, like heneededme, and then he saidno.
And look, I’m not so dense I believe the mess in his emerald gaze that night was all about me, but fuck, I never knew rejection could hurt this much. That losing what we almost had could feel so close to the worst things I’ve ever felt. I never knew it could be something else that left an indelible mark on my soul. Or that I’d be this weak from it.
My day is long.
Lucky for me, so is Tam’s. He’s still not back by the time I drive to his house to pick up Esme and take her home for the first time in a week.
“Stay.” Bhodi follows us to the door. “If you’re that worried about Tam, we’ll sleep in the annexe.”
“I’m not putting you out of your beds.”
“You think we give a shit where we sleep?”
“Igive a shit where you sleep.”
“Sab—”
My phone rings in my pocket.Loud, because I’m scared of the fucking quiet these days. It’s a stupid Elton John song Esme picked and it should make me laugh, but it doesn’t, and my mood sinks even further as I see the name of my friendly mechanic flash up on the screen and answer with a sigh that could swallow the earth.
“Raff, give me some good news.”
“You’re all done,” Raff’s voice fills the line, too London for me to tell how bad the damage is. “I’m here till six if you want to swing down and pick it up.”
“How much was it all in?”
“Don’t worry about that, mate. We’ll sort it out when you get here.”
Fine.
Fine.
I thank him and hang up. Then consider my options while Bhodi eyes me as if I’m two steps from the edge of a cliff. “Van’s ready.”
“I heard. You want to give that baby back while you walk down and get it?”
I don’t have much choice. It’s a mile trek to the garage and Esme needs to be indoors and warm.
Bhodi takes Esme and returns to the couch where they’ve been together all day. I feel her gaze on me as I open the front door, and though she doesn’t make a sound, I hear her crying every step I take away from her. Ifeelit, and I know I should be grateful for that. That I love her enough for a wrench of guilt to flay me to the bone. But tonight, the only thing I’m grateful for is the snow blanketing the pavements, and the bitter wind driving into my face, corralling my focus into putting one foot in front of the other.
I’m tired of fucking thinking.
I reach the garage twenty minutes later.
Like me, Raff’s working late so people have what they need for Christmas. Unlike me, he’s doing it with a smile on his face, an East End grin that made me look twice before I met Galen.
He’s nice too. So fucking nice. I know it even before he slaps an invoice in my hand and shows me to where he’s parked my van.
My van that looks nothing like the shitheap I left here three days ago. “You wrapped it?”
