But none of it compares to Galen’s dazzling smile and the scraped sensation in my gut doesn’t stop hurting until I’m clicking into our chat thread and his name is right there with an unread message.
HotCraic97:In case there’s any doubt in your mind, not taking you home with me tonight was a battle for the ages xx
I’m standing in my bedroom. By the window, at the back of the house. Unbidden, my gaze strays to the rear fence and the gap in the conifer trees I’ve paid little attention to until I came home last night.
Galen’s house is built the other way round to mine. His open-plan kitchen is at the back with bifold doors. If he’d left a light onI’d be able to see the entire ground floor, but his house is dark—he’s not there—and I don’t know how I feel about that.
I mean, if I can see into his house that means he can see into mine and do I want him to bear witness to me gripping my phone so hard it might crack?
And what else has he already seen? Me pacing around like a lunatic most nights? Crying into my Shreddies in the morning?
You don’t eat Shreddies.
Fuck, no.
But if there’s a point to be found, that’s not it.
The point is I’m on this app for a reason, and it’s not to get angsty about my hot neighbour seeing me do mundane shit when I can just close the damn curtains.
I shut the curtains.
Take my phone to my empty bed and crawl under the cold sheets, missing the warmth of another soul in my life. Even Charmaine on the rare occasions she didn’t boot me to the sofa has to be better than this night after night for the rest of my life.
So you miss her threatening to stab you in your sleep, eh?
No. Really not.
But as hard as I try not to, I miss all the things I never had with her.
And I hate it.
Thinking about Esme’s mum is a rough road with nothing but hell at the other end. I pull my thoughts free. Let them flail and fall on Galen. My messy sexual awakening is far from a safe place to land, but him…I don’t know. He feels like a clear head in a burning building, and I read his message three more times before I tap out a reply.
LeLionDuBois96:I wouldn’t have known what to do
Fact. One he likely already knows. But for whatever reason, I feel the need to hammer it home. And it doesn’t feel good. The words appear in our chat and I want to smash the screen andsnatch them back. What kind of idiot reiterates over and over what a shit lay they’d be? And what the hell is he supposed to say to that?
Nothing, apparently. Galen hasn’t been online since he sent the OG message last night and however hard I stare at the screen, that doesn’t change.
Eventually, I fall asleep. And because I didn’t sleep the night before, I stay that way for a while. It’s dawn when I reach for my phone again, misty light filtering through the tiny gap in the curtains, a stillness in the air unique to winter mornings.
I usually message Tam when I wake up, a habit left over from various points in our lives when we’ve needed each other that much. This morning he’s got in first, and I can tell by his tone Bhodi hasn’t grassed me up for being spacey yesterday.
Love you, B.
I tell my brother I love him too. Check Esme is still sleeping. Only then do I let myself click into the chat with Galen and read the message waiting for me.
HotCraic97:Pretty sure you’d have figured it out—or we’d have had fun teaching you
I swallow rocks and type back before I can overthink it.
LeLionDuBois96:We?
I don’t expect a reply. It’s early and there’s still no lights on in Galen’s house. I know because I peep through the curtains on my way back to bed. But typing dots pop up the second my message lands.
He’s online.
Merde.
