I laugh, I can’t help it.
Tam’s confusion deepens and the discord that springs up between us is so visceral Rudy lifts his head, disturbed by a soundless struggle neither of us truly understands.
“All right.” Tam’s voice pitches lower as he tries again to reach me. “Merde, let’s fucking rewind.”
“To where?”
“To wherever you need to be to calm the fuck down.”
Calm the fuck down.I’ve had those words thrown at me before. Not Skylar, someone else. Someone insignificant, but maybe not as Tam’s well-meant words trigger my frustration so hard I really do want to thump something. Probably myself, because if we’re rewinding, perhaps it needs to be to the moment I found out the dude I’d accosted in the hospital car park was my landlord. When I had every chance to back off and find somewhere else to live.
Or find a new job.
A new town.
A do-over before my fresh start had even begun.
But no. I hooked up with the hot dude from the car park. I caught feelings for him, and now here we are, blazing heartache at each other under the light of a tree as beautiful as he is.
At least, my heart aches. Tam still looks confused, and that’s my fault too. I’m giving him nothing. “I’ve really fucked this up.”
Tam lowers his hands. “Fucked what up?”
“This.” I snatch a breath that goes nowhere. “I thought I could do it, but I just fucking can’t.”
Tam solidifies, for the most fleeting moment. But it’s theescape I need and I back up again, needing out before I say something I can’t take back.
Like fucking him being a mistake.
Because it wasn’t.
Not the way he’s going to take it if I can’t find a better way to explain myself, and that’s not happening today. I know it like I know Tam’s going to chase after me if I don’t move faster.
“Bhodi, wait.”
I’m too slow.
Tam weaves around me, blocking my path. “Wait.”
It’s not in me to physically push him away. I stop and he grips my shoulders, his touch heavy and grounding, but he doesn’t speak, and his bewildered silence is worse than if he shouted in my face, because I deserve it as much as I deserve to love someone without feeling like I’m begging for scraps in return.
Tam doesn’t make you feel like that. And Skylar didn’t either. You made that mess all by yourself.
I shrug away from Tam. “Sorry, I’m just tired and in my feelings. I need a nap and a reality check.”
“A reality check?” Tam’s still in my way. I’m wider than him, but somehow, he seems like a giant blocking a causeway. “Is this about us fucking?”
Is it?
My brain flashes back to this morning. It was still dark out as I pushed Tam onto my bed and nudged his legs apart. I’ve come to learn that Tam doesn’t need—or want—much prep. That I can be inside him in as long as it takes me to shove our clothes aside and find some lube.
Too fast.
That’s what I thought. But maybe my brain had been trying to tell me something else.
“It’s not about that.” I try to rub the tightness out of my chest. “And it’s not you—it’s me. I knew this was a bad idea before I even met you.”
Tam frowns. “I?—”
