Dazed, I drift back to the shower.
Tam’s handiwork washes away and I miss it. I stare at my arm as if the digits are embedded in my flesh, but alas, once they’re gone they leave nothing but blank skin in their wake, and I regret reacting to my phone and signing up for a shift I want to work as much as I want to stick my head in the oven.
Time isn’t on my side.
I get ready at record speed, thankful Tam installed a washer-dryer in the annex and the scrubs I dumped in therelast weekare good to go. And that at some point between him leaving me naked on the rug and me waking up, he’s scraped my car free of ice and drawn a message on the back windshield.
Drive slow.
The two swirly words are another piece of art I can’t keep, and I wonder if it’s fate trying to tell me what I already know. That however into me Tam was last night, it’s temporary. He doesn’t do relationships, and while I might’ve made an exception for him—or I will if we ever get that far, he’s not going to make one for me.
No strings. Why can’t you just enjoy that for once?
Heh. Maybe I can. And for him, I’ll try. I have to. I alreadyknow if he comes knocking again it’s beyond me to turn him away. I haven’t come like that in as long as I can remember. I get hard just thinking about it. While I’mdriving. Which is awesome—insert sarcasm—since Tam’s cute gesture means I’m pulling up at the hospital in no time at all.
I’ve been called in because HDU and ICU are chock-a-block with the survivors of a fire on a city industrial estate. The hospital is filled with police and soot-covered firefighters, a sight that warns me the day to come is going to be long and busy, so I take a moment to open WhatsApp and thumb out a message.
Bhodi: please tell me this is you
The message blasts into the ether and the ticks turn blue before my eyes.
Tam: depends who you are
I can’t tell if he’s serious or flirting, but I don’t have time to find out. I type out most of what’s on my mind and fire it back.
Bhodi: it’s Bhodi. thanks for last night—for trusting me. it was amazing and just what I needed xx
That’s it. All I can say. And maybe it’s too much, but I don’t have the kind of job that makes room for distractions. I pocket my phone before Tam can reply and boot him from my mind.
I’m a different version of myself when it’s this busy at work. On HDU, I barely think about Tam. Then I get bumped to ICUand I don’t think about him at all. I’m consumed with keeping my patient alive and I do it with a singular focus.
It’s not the easiest distraction technique out there. But it works, and there’s something about pressing your hands to a man’s chest to keep his heart pumping that puts things in perspective.
I’m not going to die if Tam doesn’t want to swap blowjobs again.
Or if he blanks me.
Ghosts me.
Life is worth more than sex, and so am I.
I’m on my way back to my phone to test how married to that theory I really am. It’s evening now, and the fraught atmosphere of a major incident has eased. Crackly Christmas music plays in the lift and the whole hospital is covered in festive artwork drawn by kids. I’m hungry. And tired. I want that fire back in the log burner and Tam’s arms around me again, but I’ll settle for another shower, a plate of hot food, and maybe, just maybe, a text message that doesn’t make me feel like warmed up shit.
“Hey.”
I spin around in an empty corridor. A firefighter stands behind me. He’s in plain clothes, but I recognise him from this morning, because he’s massive. Like, the tallest human I’ve ever met in real life. He’s worried, though,still, and for the first time today, I can do something about it. “Your friend’s doing well. I just took him to the main ward.”
“I know.” The firefighter gives me a half smile that does nothing to lighten his face. “I wanted to say thanks for everything you did for him. I don’t know what we’d have done if anything happened to Galen.”
I nod. “You’re welcome. Did you get your shoulder looked at?”
“Nah. It’s fine.”
The way he shrugs it off is familiar, and it makes sense that the firefighter’s disregard for his own wellbeing reminds me of Tam, but it’s not that. “Did you ever work in Cornwall?”
The firefighter blinks. “No.”
“Oh. Well you must have a doppelgänger down there somewhere. I swear I’ve met someone who looks just like you.”
