Embry made a sound that could’ve been a laugh, but with his back to me, I couldn’t be sure. Since he’d been shanked, his sense of humour had been AWOL. Like he was right here, but somewhere else.
The past pulled him back, remember? You had your chance to catch him and you fucking missed.
I rubbed my lips, recalling that crazy kiss before I’d lost him to the horror story he’d blurted out that night. Sometimes, if I closed my eyes, it was only his lips on mine that haunted me. But that level of denial was hard to find.Impossiblewhen he was right here in front of me.
Embry poured water into mugs, rinsing them out before he made lemon tea and black coffee strong enough to strip paint.
He handed me the coffee. “I didn’t say you couldn’t think about it. Just that you could consider this a place where you didn’t have to.”
I clicked back into the real time conversation. “A murder-free bubble?”
“If you like. Doesn’t have to be, though. We can talk about anything you want.”
He’d always said that to me, and I’d fought hard to believe him. But I lost that battle every day I gave him only half of my bitter heart. “Brother, I’m talked out.”
Embry switched off the tiny camping stove. Without its gentle hiss, the waves pounding below were the only sound in the shadowed cave. It was fucking strange to sit in the dark while the sun shone so bright outside. Arse backwards. But I didn’t mind it. If I’d been alone, I’d have caught myself a nap, but I wasn’t alone. I was with Embry, and I wasn’t wasting a moment to something as trivial as sleep.
He crawled into the space next to me and sat down, legs bent, elbows on his knees. “I don’t think I’ve talked enough.”
“About what?”
“Anything. Everything. I try to forget about stuff, you know? Then it explodes out of me at the worst time, and I’m sorry about that.”
I went still, blood slowing to a sludgy, acidic mud that ate me up inside, muscles turning to stone. “You got nothing to be fucking sorry for.” Comforting words, but I growled them, fury already swamping my veins. “It was my fault.”
Embry scowled. “Nice try, but it was definitely mine. I always knew it would be like that, but I was out of my mind that night.”
“Were you, though? I googled those drugs. Took me a while to read the article, but they shouldn’t have messed you up like that.”
“I never said it was the drugs.”
“Something else twist your melon enough to find me attractive?” I was going for humour, but even on a good day, it wasn’t my thing. My face didn’t have the right angles, not anymore, if it ever had.
Embry had a smile like the full moon, wolfish and beautiful. But I hadn’t seen it since way back when. Fuck, I couldn’t even remember, and he wasn’t smiling now. His scowl turned epic, frown lines marring a face that sometimes seemed decades younger than mine. “It’s my head being twisted that won’t let the fact that I want you be the only thing that matters. How can you not know that?”
His sudden temper hit me and I soaked it up far more than his words. I knew he wanted me. Always had. But it was easier to convince myself that he didn’t than accept the reality that we couldn’t be together without hurting him. That in three long years, we’d kissed once and it had brought us to our fucking knees.
And to his bed every night since.
Yeah. But I couldn’t sleep, at least, not well. Not with him beside me. What if I fucked up and rolled into him? Put hands on him in a way that destroyed him like the mere touch of my lips on his had that night?
No.
No.
It couldn’t happen. So I said nothing and let him think I was a dense idiot. Let him get angrier and curl his hands into fists that were as battered as mine, his stormy gaze so bright and blue the summer sky outside didn’t stand a chance.
Could I convince him to hate me? If it made his life better, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Do it now. Tell him the truth.
Nah, man. I was too fucking weak. “Drink your tea, son. Simmer down.”
I made myself watch the gulls wheeling in the sky instead of fixating on him. As if I could ignore his sharp, raging breaths. His frustration at another disjointed conversation.
“Did you have fun in Porth Luck?” he asked suddenly.
“When?” The answer fell out before I caught it.
