Didn’t drink it.
“How’s he doing?” Rubi asked.
I felt Decoy’s shrug. Knew it meant nothing. That his words were going to kill me all over again.
“He’s existing. Saint’s with him most of the time, but honestly, I don’t know how long he’s gonna hold out before he loses his shit.”
It was a lot for Decoy to say at once. He didn’t have a speech disorder like Saint; he was just a quiet man. One who kept his opinions to himself. That he felt the need to voice one now told me all I needed to know about Mateo’s state of mind. “Is he drinking?”
Decoy waited for me to look at him before he answered. “No one is. No time when the Crows are raiding the sites every other night.”
“How do they have the manpower for that when they get the shit kicked out of them every time?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
I exchanged a glance with Rubi.
He nodded. “Same as before. They’ve got extra muscle from somewhere.”
“Sambini?”
“Or Esteban. All the same at this point if they’ve joined forces.”
I swallowed bile. The pizza was beginning to smell like puke and Alexei’s swanky kitchen was closing in on me. I rounded on Rubi. “Why’d you ask him that? I told you earlier I didn’t want to fucking know.”
“That’s not what you said, bro.”
Close enough. I blazed fire at Rubi.
He dead-eyed me back, all the while typing something on his phone, probably grassing me up to Cam for being an arsehole.
“Children.”
We all jumped at the new voice in the room, gazes snapping to where Alexei stood in the doorway.
Rubi snorted out a laugh. “That’s it. I’m definitely calling you Casper from now on.”
“I am not a friendly ghost.” Alexei almost smiled. Then his cool gaze landed on me. “Chaplain, you seem stressed.”
“I’m fine.”
“You can be fine and stressed. Stressed and fine. No?”
“Leave me alone.” I fought to keep my tone even. Calm. Steady. All the things that didn’t come naturally to me when I was caught up in my own shit.
“...you take on everyone else’s fuckery to hide from your own...”
“For fuck’ssake.” My hands balled into fists. I wanted to Hulk smash Alexei’s shiny cabinets, but I couldn’t stand the smugness I’d get in return.
I left the room and made for the balcony, grateful I was the only one, bar Alexei, who was allowed outside.
It was a warm night, muggy, air thick with the threat of a thunderstorm. The balcony was barren, nothing out there except an ashtray and a box of Russian cigarettes. I shook one from the pack for something to do but didn’t light it. I slid down the wall and looked out over the Bristol skyline while I rolled it between my fingers.
I wanted it to rain. I wanted thunder and lightning to lash the night sky so I felt some harmony with Mother Nature, because right now, my whole life felt like a cruel trick. Mateo had lied to me the entire time I’d known him. His reasons made my heart weep for him, and any anger I’d felt the last time I’d seen him... I was over it. But I couldn’t see a clear path forward.
Juana was right: I couldn’t get closer to Liliana if the dream Mateo had sold her was already dead. But fuck. I loved her. How could I not? She was creative, kind, and beautiful.
She was Mateo without the beard and the rage.
