“Joss,” he starts, reaching for me.
It’s a coincidence that I step back in the same moment, but I’m not sad about it. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want him to feel how wound up I am and think he’s to blame formurderingthis conversation.
Shame I have a shit poker face.
Jax scrubs a hand over his jaw. “Look, I’m sorry I messed this up, okay? It’s just I care about you. I care about Kai. And I know how oblivious you are to the possibility that anyone would ever give enough of a shit to love you.”
“That’s not what you said.”
“I know. But I can’t figure out how to explain that you’ve left a trail of broken hearts everywhere you’ve ever been, and youcan’tdo that here. Not with him.”
Not with Kai.
I nod slowly, even as Jax cringes and shakes his head.
“Fuck, that’s not what I meant either. Damn it, Joss. Is it that hard to just stay here? In Vermont? With usandwith Kai?”
It’s a nice dream, but my battered ADHD brain isn’t in the mood for nice. It fixates on the parts of the conversation it chooses to hear. Takes the words, scrambles and twists them, until only four remain:you’re not good enough.
As if I haven’t spent a lifetime living that truth.
21
KAI
Good days are complex entities. Sometimes they pass so fast I don’t notice until they’re over. Others, I see every tiny fuckin’ thing and know how lucky I am to be alive.
Today is a day of the second variety. As if waking up with Joss sets the tone for my existence right now. My present, because it hasn’t escaped my thoughts that he’s not in my future ifhislife plays out the way he says it will. There’s no concrete end date to the adventure he’s gifted me, but I can’t hide from cold hard facts.
He’s leaving. Maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but it’s happening, and sooner or later I need to face that.
Just not today.
No.
That can fuck all the way off.
I spend twelve hours sanding walls, caulking, and cutting baseboards to size, letting my hands do the work while my imagination, for once, takes me to nice places. To my bed, if we’re being specific, and an early night with my, uh, roommate.
My friend.
My—
Don’t finish that sentence.
I park the truck at Wildfoot HQ and walk home. The sun is out, but it’s not as blazing hot as it was this morning. Less unholy heat and more celestial warmth.
It suits my mood.
I text Joss. It doesn’t deliver, but I don’t angst over it. I slip my phone in my pocket and keep treading the sidewalk until V&V comes into view.
It still blows my mind that I live above a queer bar. That despite wanting to die every time the place fills up and I can’t handle the crowds, I feel more at home here than perhaps I ever did growing up. Joss asked me if I miss my creekside shack, and I do, but I’m starting to learn that I can be more than one type of person. Outdoor Kai. Indoor Kai.
Straight Kai. Probably bisexual Kai.
Who cares?
I cross the street to V&V. When Joss is working, I slip in the back. And before him, the side door was my best friend. But I don’t feel like taking the easy option today or giving myself much time to think about it.
