“Start in the middle if the beginning is hard to find.”
“That a life lesson?”
He shrugs. “You seem a little lost.”
I am lost, but not how he thinks. This strange night with him—the bar, the fooling around. The simple acts of being alive that are so much easier when he’s around. I feel like I’m floating, but I’m present, and it’s a mindfuck of the best kind. “The beginning is fine. I told you already I was the lead on my team, didn’t I?”
Joss nods. “Did you like it?”
“Some days,” I tell him honestly. “It was tough for the last few years, though. We didn’t have enough guys, and every season brings more and more people.”
“More risk?”
“Yeah. It was a lot…the responsibility. I don’t think I did a bad job, but I don’t miss it.”
“And you feel guilty about that,” Joss guesses.
“Sometimes. It’s a job that matters, and it mattered to me, but I was over it long before I came up on that car.”
“The one that crashed?”
I nod, unsurprised that he halfway knows where I’m going with this. “I was on my way home. We’d spent the day hauling a scout group out of a river, and all I was thinking about was getting home, drinking a beer, and swipin’ right a couple times before bed.”
“Tinder?” Joss tips his head back and chuckles. “How’d that work out for you?”
“Hey, I did all right.”
“Bet ya did. Grindr next, eh?”
A shudder rocks me, sudden and cold.No. I don’t want to put myself out there sharking for other dudes. For dudes that aren’t Joss. But do I want to activate my Tinder profile either? Spend the evening scrolling through women as if they aren’t worth more than a split-second decision?
Nope. Can’t say I do. No woman in the world is Joss either. And right now, as foolish as it is, he’s all I see.
I steer my brain back to the story I’m tryin’ to tell. “Anyway, stupid as it is, it was all my mind was on when I drove home that night. Thinking about sleeping in and maybe getting laid the next night. Thought I was done with disaster for one day, you know?”
Joss sips his tea, his bright and warm gaze urging me on without him saying a word.
“There’s a road between where I lived and the base I was stationed. In the warm months, it’s a destination drive, no filter, but it’s dangerous when it’s wet and cold, and last fall, it rained for weeks and weeks. Road surface was slippy. Ground around it soft. It woulda been easy to slide off it in daylight.”
“How late was it?”
“Can’t remember. Around ten, probably. I had a lot of office bullshit. That’s why I was alone. I’d sent my guys home before me.”
“Do you think it would’ve been different if you’d had someone with you?”
“For me? Maybe. I don’t think we’d have saved anyone, though.”
“What happened?”
I blow out a breath. “I found a wrecked car. Nearly missed it, actually. The lights had blown, and it was half buried in the trees it had hit. I didn’t realize it was hanging over the ravine until I got closer, and then the sparks started, and it seemed like they got bigger with every step I took.”
Again, Joss says nothing, and when I look at him, his face is blurred. Distant. And I know it’s me, not him. That I need to get these words out, so I can be with him again.
“There were three people in the car, all of them trapped. Only one of them was conscious, but he saw me coming and thought I was gonna save them. I tried, I really did, but the car fell. I went after it, but it exploded before I could get close, camping gas or some shit. And the fire…I can still feel it on my face, hear the rain on the roof of the car before it fell. Sometimes, if I’m super lucky, I can still hear him screaming.”
Bile rises in my throat. I swallow it down, but it’s harsh, man. I hate this. Ihateit. This story is mine, and it’s theirs, but it’sold.It’s history. It shouldn’t be derailing my life. It shouldn’t be front and center of these moments with Joss. I want to explore him. I want to exploremyself. This shit? I’m fuckin’ over it.
Warmth presses against my palm. It’s the sweet English tea Joss made me in a mug that has a chip, like every mug I own since he moved in. He drops one every other morning, though it’s only Tanner who’s had one yeeted at his face. “Thanks.”
