“Is it?” Jodi glanced at the TV, which was playing BBC News 24. The clock read five a.m. Damn. He’d been asleep for over twelve hours. That had to be a new record for afternoon naps. “When did you get in?”
“A while ago. Sophie’s got an early start, so I put her in your bed to get some sleep. That’s okay, right? Didn’t look like you’d be heading there anytime soon.”
It was more than okay. Fuck that bedroom. Fuck the dark. Fuck everything. “It’s fine. How was work? You’ve been gone for ages.”
“Long.” Rupert ventured a little closer. “How are you doing? Sophie said you were tired.”
“I’m always fucking tired.” Jodi hadn’t meant to snap, but the harsh inflection in his tone made him cringe—Rupert too, if his backward step was anything to go by. Jodi thought about apologising, but the violent shiver that swept over him reminded him why he’d curled up on Sophie’s lap in the first place. “It’s cold in here.”
“Is it? Do you want another blanket from the airing cupboard?”
Jodi thought about it and shook his head. He wanted—craved—warmth, but hiding under a pile of blankets seemed wrong.
Rupert took his headshake at face value and turned away to go back to whatever he’d been doing in the kitchen. A surge of panic drove Jodi to sit up and pretty much fall off the couch. “Wait.”
“What?” Rupert looked over his shoulder. “What do you need?”
For a long moment Jodi could do nothing more than hold out his hands, unable to articulate, or even comprehend what he was asking for. All he knew was the comfort Sophie had offered him wasn’t enough. That he needed that kindness from someone else. From Rupert. “I’m so cold. Will you sit with me for a while ... please?”
Ten
Rupert froze halfway to the kitchen. “You want me to sit with you?”
“Um ... I need some company.”
“Really?”
Jodi’s outstretched hands wavered. He dropped them and wrapped his arms around himself. “You don’t have to sound so fucking shocked.”
Rupertwasshocked. He’d grown used to coming home to a silent flat, whether Jodi was awake or not, and that silence continuing until Sophie broke the stalemate.He said he was cold.Rupert took a few steps toward the couch. Stopped. What the hell was he going to do when he got there? Cover Jodi’s body with his own? Warm him from the inside out, then carry him to bed and love him all over again, like he used to?
Jodi sighed. “You’re weird. You always look like you’re about to say something, then you drop off the edge of the earth instead. What’s up with that?”
If only you knew.Rupert shook himself and closed the distance to the couch. He sat tentatively, leaving a big gap between him and Jodi. “I’m just tired, boyo. Long night.”
“Yeah? What did you get up to?”
“I was at work.”
“Oh yeah, I knew that. Sophie told me. Why can’t I remember this shit?”
“You will,” Rupert said. “You’ve come so far already. This time last month you couldn’t talk.” And I still had hope that you’d come back to me. How stupid was I?
Like he’d heard Rupert’s bleak thoughts, Jodi shivered and scrubbed his hands over his face. When he revealed his eyes again, his frustration was gone, replaced by the apathy that broke Rupert’s heart anew whenever he saw it. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know who I am. All I know is, I’m so fucking cold I can’t think about anything else.”
And that was without the constant pain Rupert knew Jodi was in. Even now the telltale signs of a headache lined Jodi’s face: the crease in his forehead, the slight droop of his left eye. “Then don’t think about anything else. Get warm and worry about the rest later.”
Rupert said the words absently, his mind, as ever, on Jodi’s discomfort, mentally calculating which medication would be best to ease his pain. Jodi’s shoulder jostled his, and he jumped a mile. Somehow he’d missed Jodi shifting closer.
“I’m stealing it,” Jodi said by way of explanation. “The warmth. You’re like a fucking radiator.”
“Erm, okay.” Rupert swallowed hard, fighting the suffocating sadness filling his chest. The old Jodi had been so tactile they’d worn each other like a second skin, and this inevitably brief reincarnation was almost unbearable. Rupert slipped his arm around Jodi’s too-slim shoulders. The urge to pull Jodi close and crush him to his chest was strong—so fucking strong—but his head overruled his heart. Jodi didn’t want that. Couldn’t remember ever wanting that. He needed comfort, nothing more, and Rupert was all he had in this moment.
Jodi’s soft moan broke through Rupert’s brooding. He leaned into Rupert’s loose embrace, half slumping into Rupert’s lap. “Why am I so tired? I just woke up.”
“You’re still recovering. The doctors said it could take months for you to feel well again.”Or years, if it happened at all. But Rupert didn’t say it aloud. There was little point. In his stronger moments, Jodi seemed aware that his current state of physical health could be permanent, even with the gruelling therapy.
“I want to sleep.”
