It’s Molly.
It’s Rainn.
It’s Oz, and Auden, and every other bartender under the sun who has somehow got my cell number and decided I’m their person on this craptastic situation. But I have nothing to say. I can’t tell them their fearless leader is going to be okay because whatever the doc says, I haven’tseenit. I haven’t seenhim.
I ignore them, for now, and open the last message from Eve.
Eve:I’m so sorry, J. I’m at V and V fetching Tanner some things. Tell me what you need. I’ll go to your place too.
Jax:I don’t need anything
Eve:Liar. Unless you’re planning on leaving that boy and coming home at any point before he does
She’s got me there, but for the life of me, I can’t think of a single thing I need beyond knowing for certain that Tanner’s okay. I can’t remember a point in time when I’ve ever needed anything else.
Jax:I don’t know. I can’t think.
Eve:I can’t figure out which clothes are yours and which are Tanner’s anyway. I’ll bring enough for two. Is Gabriel okay?
She’s not asking me about Tanner, which tells me Gabriel has already told her what the doctor said. She needs to know her one true love is okay as much as I do mine. And I owe her that. Fuck, I owe her so much more.
Jax:He’s dealing. I’d be fucked without him. Think he’ll feel better when we see Tanner tho
Eve:Tell them both I love them.
Jax:I will, I promise.
Eve:See you in the morning x
Jax:You’re not coming tonight?
Eve:I can’t, honey. Only two family members are allowed in at night. Be good. I’ll see you soon, and don’t forget I love you too x
My phone dies before I can return the sentiment. I’d kept it switched off out on the trails, but it’s old and ill-equipped to deal with thirty-six hours without a charging point. Fucking Apple. Her messages play on a loop in my tired brain, though.Family. It’s not a word I’ve thought about much since I came to Vermont. The disconnect I feel for my own is as strong as ever. It never occurred to me I’d find another, but as I sit beside Tanner’s stoic brother, and picture Eve mothering his crew at V and V, I realize how badly I needed one.
And perhaps that I wanted one too.
The nurse takes forever to come and find us. I’m still wide awake when she appears, but Gabriel has dozed off.
I nudge him awake, and this time it’s me who helps him to his feet and steers him through the hospital until we come to the room where Tanner is.
Gabriel’s awake by the time we get there, but he hangs back and pushes me forward. “Go on. It’s you he’ll want to see.”
But as sweet as that is, I already know Tanner’s not conscious yet.
I slip into the sterile room. The bed and the dozen wires and tubes don’t shock me. I’m expecting it all. I’m even prepared for the heavy bandaging on Tanner’s arm and the hospital gown covering his strong body.
It’s the pallor of his face that gets me. Somehow, I’d convinced myself he’d have color in his cheeks again. That the ash tone of his skin when I dug him out could be consigned to my nightmares.
But it’s still there. I sink into yet another chair and take his good hand in mine, knowing I’ll get no response. Tanner is beyond asleep. He isn’t going to wake up any time soon or be capable of holding coherent conversation. I know this. I’ve lived it. I know that even when he does wake up, he’s going to feel so sick he’ll wonder if he’s actually died. That he won’t know which way is up. That he might not even care. But as Gabriel takes his place on Tanner’s other side, I know we stand a good chance of persuading him he does.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tanner
Ouch.
No, scrap that. It’s a childlike word that doesn’t fit the jackhammer in my head, or the thousand knives some motherfucker is stabbing into my arm. It hurts like a bitch. That shit travels and hits me everywhere. Even my toes throb. I have zero interest in being awake right now, but there’s an asshole squeezing my hand who has other ideas. And what do you know? He’s a big enough asshole to tap my face, laughing, until a fucking angel tells him to stop.
