“I don’t need a blanket.”
“You need something,” Gabriel counters. “Hang on. I’ll get you a candy bar.”
He disappears as abruptly as he arrived. I’m pretty certain I’ve imagined the whole encounter, then he’s back, brandishing a generic protein bar from the vending machine I walked past a lifetime ago. I want to eat it about as much as I want to sit on a chainsaw, and chewing it feels about the same, but I need to know whatever Gabriel knows, and he won’t tell me shit if I’m a jabbering wreck.
I eat the bar. Gabriel watches, then passes me a bottle of water. He doesn’t speak until I’ve drained half of it.
“It’s not good,” he says. “He lost a shit ton of blood and he’s got a contusion on his head they’re pretty worried about. They’re going to scan him after the surgery.”
“When will that be?”
“I don’t know, man. Depends how long it takes to repair the artery. That goddamn tree sticking out of him was the only thing stopping him from bleeding to death. How fucked up is that?”
“Have you seen him?”
“No. They’d already taken him to the OR when I got here.”
“Do they think he’s going to die?”
Gabriel’s gaze slid away from me. “The nurse I spoke to couldn’t answer that question. They’ll know more after the surgery and the CT.”
Silence stretches between us. I’m a jittery mess of fear and misplaced energy. Gabriel is calm—toocalm. As if he’s been here before, and I remember that he kind of has, except last time, it was a threat, not a reality.
As if that makes any difference.
But it was different. Back then, Tanner wanted to die. He doesn’t now. He’s never told me that, but I know it like I know water is wet and Vermont is as beautiful as he is.
I want to tell Gabriel that. But when I open my mouth, something else comes out. “He was awake when I found him.”
“Was he talking?”
“He said he was going to be sick. He wasn’t, but I think all the blood got to him.”
I regret the words as soon as I say them. Gabriel doesn’t need the gory details of his only brother gravely injured in the wilderness. He needs the doctors to come out and tell him that everything’s gonna be okay. That Tanner lost a lot of blood, but they fixed him, so he doesn’t need to worry about it, or spend the rest of his life imagining what it looked like.
He doesn’t need the flash of pain that crumples the sharp features that are so like Tanner’s. He doesn’t need the shuddery breath that rattles his bones.
“Fuck, I’m sorry.”
Gabriel sighs. “Don’t be. He’d still be out there if it wasn’t for you.”
“You’re wrong. He wouldn’t have been out there at all if it wasn’t for me.”
“How do you figure that?”
“We were late back. Him and Jerry came looking for us.”
Gabriel shakes his head. “That’s on them, and the fucking weather. The way Jerry tells it, you did everything right, and he and Tanner got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s how it goes out there. Tanner knows that better than anyone.”
“I know. Wait, you spoke to Jerry? Is he okay?”
“Yeah. Dislocated wrist and some stitches in his head. He’s gonna be fine.”
“I should go see him.”
“All right, then. I’ll come with you.”
Gabriel helps me to my feet and we navigate the ER to where Jerry is. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, banged-up and bandaged, his face twisted in the same worry that claws my heart with every breath.
