He shrugs. “Ask me tomorrow.”
* * *
I wake to clear skies. I’m alone, but it doesn’t feel that way. Gabi is across town in Eve’s yoga house—unless he’s pissed her off already—and Jax is coming home this afternoon. At least, I hope he is. His cell isn’t connecting yet. I know it because I woke in the early hours of this morning and finally replied to his message.
Tanner:tell me you love me. so I can say it back
I don’t send it, and I won’t until Jax comes down from high ground. But it doesn’t matter. I can wait, even if I do have the whole day to myself to endure it. I usually spend Mondays in the office, catching up on paperwork, or in the bar while it’s closed, cleaning stuff that didn’t get cleaned over the weekend, but Harrison is there today, and he’s banned me from showing my face until tomorrow morning.“Take a day, Tanner. Please. I need to sit and revel in the amazing space you’ve built for me.”
He gives me too much credit, but I’ll take the day off. I haven’t been grocery shopping in forever, and when Jax gets back, if he’s game, I don’t plan on going out. I wanna eat dinner in bed with him, and breakfast too.
I want to tell him I love him for real.
An energy I don’t recognize fills me. I roll out of bed, dress in clothes Jax wears too, and leave the apartment. I drive to a grocery store instead of walking to the one I can see from my bedroom, just to kill time. I load my cart with breakfast foods and a big bag of Vermont apples. By the register, I spot more British candy bars I’ve heard Jax talk about. They’re weirder than the wheel things with the jam, and they were gross as fuck.
Doesn’t stop me buying them, though. I might not want to eat them, but the smile they put on Jax’s face is worth just about anything. I’m hooked on finding the wrappers by my coffee machine. I keep them there, in a mug. Or maybe I’m the mug, and I don’t give a single fuck.
I’m back in my car when Gabi calls. Though I’m expecting it, the sound of his voice still brings a warm wave of surprise. “I was half convinced I dreamed last night.”
“Still having nightmares, huh?”
“Not about you.”
“Good to know.Areyou still having them? We talked a lot last night, but not about that.”
“I still have them,” I say before I can check myself and be flippant and vague. “Not as much as before, though.”
“What about the other stuff?”
“Yup. It’s all still there, but it’s…better, I guess.”
“You guess?”
“Don’t be a dick.”
“I’m not. Eve told me to talk to you about something that doesn’t involve who we’re having sex with, so here we are.”
“Are you having sex with someone who isn’t Eve?”
“What do you think?”
“I think I’m trying to deflect the conversation away from my mental health because I’m super bad at talking about it, especially with you.”
A mutual brood stretches between us. I’ve never seen Gabi in Eve’s new place, but I still picture him on her mandala rug, lying flat on the floor like he owns the joint, probably in sweatpants and nothing else. His eyes are closed, but his brain is working a million miles an hour like it always does. He’s trying to find words that won’t upset me, but he doesn’t have to do that anymore. Somehow in the last twenty-four hours I’ve made peace with myself. I was sick, maybe I still am, but I’m not broken.
I no longer feel weak.
“Listen.” I slide my key into the ignition and tuck my phone between my ear and my shoulder. “I know I’ve been a pain in the ass since forever, but I’m trying real hard not to be like that anymore. You don’t have to second guess everything you say to me.”
Gabi sighs. “I don’t think I ever did. I just got in the habit of doing it because it was easier in the moment. Avoidance—we’re good at it, huh? It started when Mom pretended Dad hadn’t really died so we spent a year waiting for him to come back from the store even though we both knew she was lying.”
“We’re not good at it, Gabs. It’s fucked us up.”
“Wow. That’s a heavy reality check right there. Now I know you’re feeling better. What’s next?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what’s gonna change in your life to keep this moving? It’s not enough to say it, bro. You gotta live it.”
