“Think so. I fell off the couch, though, so I’m pretty sure Jerry is right about me being a liability. Maybe I should get a job in a library.”
“But then I wouldn’t get to see you covered in dirt with leaves in your hair, and I need that in my life.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s a thing.”
Jax snorts out a laugh. He holds out his hands and I take them, letting him tug me into my apartment. The door closes behind us. He pushes me against it and kisses me, and the sweatpants he’s wearing do nothing to conceal how awake certain parts of him are.
My body’s response is instant. I grip his hip and pull him closer so he can feel me where I want him most. He moans, and I kiss him harder, before I draw back and say the one word that’s been on my mind all night. “Stay.”
He doesn’t answer with words.
Chapter Twelve
Jax
Staying with Tanner is easy. So is rolling around his bed until the early hours getting naked enough for him to come all over my belly, then knocking out in his arms.
Leaving him is hard. I have every intention of slipping out while he’s still sleeping, but when my alarm goes off, he’s wide awake like he always is. I push him onto his back, splaying my hand across his broad chest. “Don’t get up.”
He opens his mouth to speak, but I seal it with my other palm. “Don’t. I just need to go.”
Tanner nods. His gaze is too dark to read, but he does what I ask and stays put while I find my outdoor clothes and put them on. I go back to his room and he’s exactly where I left him, on his side, handsome face propped on his folded arm. I love and hate that he’s naked beneath the crumpled sheets. The approaching dawn taunts me. If I stay, I’ll get to see him as the winter sun streams through the open blinds. But I can’t stay, and we both know it. Me and Jerry are camping out tonight for as long as it takes to get the marten footage Tanner thinks we’ll find in the woods. I’ll be back for open-mic night, but that’s four days away, and I haven’t been apart from Tanner that long since I met him.
The realization hits me like a stone.
He frowns, and I can’t stand that he’s so attuned to me. Or that I like it.
Because I don’t like it. I don’t want it.
Tanner lets me go. I back up and I can tell it’s taking him a lot to let me. That he wants to reach for me, but he won’t because he’s Tanner, not the horrible people who made me scared of him wanting me.
You’re not scared of him wanting you. He’d let you go in a heartbeat if you asked him to.
Of course he would. Iknowthat. But it’s too late to stop the flash of hurt in his dark gaze as he interprets whatever he sees in mine for exactly what it is.
“Jax.”
He says my name like a prayer. A low, growling syllable that grounds me as much as it adds to the sudden disquiet raving in my nerves. My feet move of their own accord until I’m close enough to feel his body heat as he sits up to meet me.
The bedsheets drop to his waist. His inked skin calls to my treacherous hands and the dark blip in my brain starts to fade.
I let it happen, and slide my hands over his bare shoulders. His corded biceps fit against my palms like perfect, hard stress balls, and the bizarre imagery drives a sharp laugh from me.
Tanner doesn’t blink.
I shake my head. “I feel wild this morning. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“The fuck are you sorry for?” Tanner winds his strong arms around me. It’s the perfect hug that makes me resent my clothes, but the kiss he brushes to my cheek is more comfort than heat. “Don’t ever be sorry. Just be safe, okay?”
I am okay. Sometime I think I’m not, but I am.
My hands find their way to the nape of his neck, and I thread my fingers into his sleep-tousled hair. Another apology is on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow it down. I love seeing Tanner like this, so clear-eyed and earnest, and I don’t want to waste it on words he doesn’t want to hear. “I’ll be safe. I’ll have Jerry with me, and I think he’s only coming so he can get a good night’s sleep away from his kids.”
Tanner snorts softly. “Sounds about right. Count on him pretending you don’t have what you need so you have to spend another night.”
“That’s why I never let him look until we get back to the office.” I kiss Tanner one last time. “And whatever happens, I’ll be back for open-mic night. We’ve got a hot date after, right?”
