“I’m sure he’d say worse, but as far as he’s concerned, I was all right until I left. He doesn’t get that I did it for him.”
I was well versed in this period of Daley family history. How Luke had joined the Navy in secret after his father’s death, leaving his grieving family and Mia behind. His logic that he had to provide for them to keep Billy in school had always made sense to me, even though I’d witnessed firsthand how much it had hurt my sister, but I’d never given much thought to Billy. Perhaps I should’ve, given my own heartache when Mia had abandoned me to give herself a chance to get over Luke.
Luke sighed, breaking my musings apart. “How’s he getting on? And I mean really, not the bullshit text updates you send me.”
“I send you those because you ask for them. If you ever called, I’d elaborate, but I’m not game for typing an essay out with my thumbs. You want me to get RSI?”
“An essay, huh? That bad?”
“Not at all. He’s great.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “He’s a pain in the arse. Don’t deny it.”
“I’m not denying anything. Why would I do that? If he was giving me grief, I’d tell you, so he could be your problem instead of mine.”
“You’d lie to me all day long if you thought it would make my life easier. That’s your jam, Gus, taking the weight for everyone else.”
“Says you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Just tell me the truth.”
“I am telling you the truth. He works hard, and I hardly know he’s there at home.”
“Because he’s out on the piss all night?”
I shook my head. “Because he stays in his room and talks to his cat, at least he does when I’m there.”
“Probably just as well.”
“Not really. He’s good company, bro. I like him.”
Downstairs, the front door opened and closed. I couldn’t imagine that Mia had gone out, so it had to be Billy. I took it as my cue to make tracks, and left Luke brooding over his photographs in the hope that Billy might join him.
Tired but wired, I slipped out of the house without saying goodbye. As much as I loved them all, I’d reached my limit for family drama. I needed to be alone for a while, or at least with a stranger who didn’t ask questions and was hot enough to push Billy from my mind, unlike the one and only time I’d hooked up since he’d moved in and I’d spent the whole time wondering if he was okay.
Damn him. Maybe this was why Luke couldn’t handle him. Because once he had a foothold in your brain, you couldn’t get rid of him. He’d been gone from my life for years, but now he was back for the foreseeable, he occupied my every thought. I even dreamt about him when I was asleep long enough for my subconscious to relax.
Damn him.
I walked home from Luke’s house and picked up the van, glad I hadn’t drunk any of the sweet French wine on offer. My phone had been having a rave in my pocket all night. I fished it out and replied to a handful of Grindr messages, seeing who’d bite.
A new face came up. I barely looked at him as I sent my reply, and I was on the road before I truly knew what I was doing, hooking up, as ever, on autopilot.
I drove ten miles, waiting for the thrill of the unknown to hit me, my favourite part of spending my downtime on Grindr. But it didn’t come. I slowed down, taking the scenic route to the dude’s house, but something—everything—felt wrong.Don’t do it.
Shame my subconscious didn’t want to tell me why I shouldn’t.
Whatever. I wasn’t about hooking up when I didn’t really want to. I’d made that mistake before, and it never ended well.
I bailed.
I pulled into a lay-by and fired off the bad news. Then I muted the app and threw my phone in the glove box.Go home.But for reasons I couldn’t decipher, I didn’t. I sat and watched the traffic zoom by with no idea where I belonged. Agitation swept over me, as it often did when I hadn’t made sure to occupy myself. Billy had proved a welcome distraction from the noise in my head, but as I sat alone, he was part of the problem. I shouldn’t have left him. He hadn’t even wanted to go to Luke’s house. How was he going to feel when he realised I’d gone? Hurt? Angry? Or maybe he wouldn’t care. Maybe I was as insignificant to him as I’d always been and I was angsting myself into a coma for nothing.
Story of my life.
I shook myself and gunned the engine. Stuff it. I was going home. With any luck, Billy would’ve settled in for the night with Luke and Mia. Had a few drinks and put some demons to bed. An empty house would do my head in, but it would be worth it for them.
Somehow it took half the time to return to Rushmere as it had to escape. I let myself into the dark house, toed off my shoes, and padded straight to the kitchen to feed the cat—I’d learned the hard way he didn’t appreciate being kept waiting. But his food bowl was already full, and the cat was nowhere to be seen.
Billy had been home.
Instinct took me straight upstairs to his bedroom. His door was ajar. I poked my head around it, and my heart sank. Billy was passed out drunk next to a bottle of cheap vodka, the knuckles on his left hand bleeding and raw.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have left him with Luke after all.
