I let my hand drop and sucked in a shaky breath. “You didn’t just leave me, you broke my heart. And your promises. You said you’d always be there for me, that I’d never have to go through what you did with your dad on my own, but that’s exactly what happened—”
My heart constricted, and I gripped his hand tighter theway he had mine.
“Go on,” he whispered. “Don’t stop...please.”
I shook my head. “I woke up and you were gone. The only reason I knew where was because Billy told me, and it shattered me, Luke, even though I so nearly understood why you’d done it.”
“No one understood. Not even me.”
“Don’t. I can’t feel sorry for you.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“But you are, don’t you see?Every time I think about how horrific those weeks and months were for you, I push aside what it did to me, andthat’swhat I can’t keep doing...because it was awful for me too. I’d just about got over you leaving when my mum got ill, and then she died, and you still weren’t here.”
“I’m sorry.”
I barely heard him. Didn’t need to, because I believed him. But that didn’t change anything.Didn’t heal the wounds we’d both carried for so long. I took another deep breath, willing it to cleanse my soul. “I understand why you had to go—all the reasons, not just the money—but I will never understand why you didn’t tell me...not even after. You could’ve sent that letter any time in the last ten years, and you didn’t. Becauseyoudidn’t need to. I just—” I stopped.Just what?“I just can’timagine ever hurting you like that, and that’s why I’ve been so angry with you.”
Luke said nothing. Just turned our hands over and studied my palm. I wanted to shake him, but if the last few months had taught me anything, it was that grown-up Luke sometimes needed a little time.
Something we had now no one was dying and we had nowhere else to be.
He let go of my hand and stood. I wonderedif he would leave me again, but he drifted to the window and opened the curtains just enough to stare out at the quiet street. At least I hoped it was quiet. I wasn’t in the mood to watch him play chicken with that car again. The car I’d spent an hour describing, among other things, to the police.
“Luke.”
He didn’t turn.
“Luke.”
“What?”
I got up and came up behind him, wrappingmy arms around his waist and pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades. “Whatever you’re beating yourself with, don’t, okay? I said that stuff because I’ve been carrying it for so long, not to punish you. I’m not blaming you for things that happened when we were teenagers. I just—I just needed you to know how I’d felt, so you understood why I am who I am now.”
“I don’t know who you are now.”
“Liar. If you didn’t know me, we wouldn’t be here.”
He chucked dryly. “I never know what to say.”
“Try the truth.”
He finally turned to face me. “The truth is I love you, always have, and I don’t know if I can live with how much I’ve hurt you.”
