I dragged him off the door and pushed him towards his bedroom. He stumbled, and the animal in me fucking loved it, despitehatingthe fact that I had to limp after him. In my head, I pounced on him, lifted him clean from the floor, and legit threw him down, but the reality was he scooted naked onto the bed while I struggled for enough balance to get my clothes off.
He didn’t seem to notice. His gaze was fixed on my dick.
I licked my lips. “See something you like?”
“Yeah.”
One loaded syllable was all it took for my pulse to jump through the roof. Heat rushed me, and I manoeuvred myself onto the bed, balancing on my good knee. I brought my cock to Sam’s mouth and tapped his lips with the already sticky head. “Open up.”
His eyes widened, and I knew why. We’d fooled around loads over the last however long it had been, but not like this. I’d never towered over him, dick in hand, and demanded anything. Demandedeverything. But I was done playing around. Frightening energy pulsed in my veins, and my hands itched to take his head and jam his mouth down on my cock.
But there was nothing scary about being with Sam. And he didn’t need my help to swallow my dick.
He opened up and took me down. I thought I was ready for the sensation of his tongue sliding along my length—I’d been thinking about it all damn day—but I was sorely mistaken. Pleasure shot through me, and I wavered on my one good knee.
I grabbed the headboard for balance. Nails scraped soft pine, and an inhuman groan escaped me. “Fuck. Yeah, like that, like that.”
Sam didn’t need my instruction any more than he did physical guidance. He went to town on me, deep throating me like a champ. For long minutes, I thought I could take it, then he moaned around me and madness took over.
My leg gave way. I crumpled to one side, bringing Sam with me, clutching his hair like a drowning man. He rose up on his arms and I rolled onto my back, thrusting into his mouth. Release came at me from every corner, but I fought it. Sam had me so fucking hot for him I’d be hard again in ten seconds flat, but I wasn’t ready for this to be over. I wanted the first and only time I came tonight to be something different.
Something we’d never done before.
I wanted to fuck him.
I wanted to own him and turn him inside out.
I wanted him to gaze at me the way I was gazing at him right now. To be so full of fucking wonder and desire he couldn’t think straight.
Cos I couldn’t think straight. Thoughts and wants crashed through my consciousness so fast I couldn’t keep up. My brain spun like an out-of-control carousel. I pictured him on his knees, on his back, on his side with me driving into him. I pictured myself fucking him like I had every other bloke who’d crossed my path, and my mind fractured. Splintered, pieces of my soul scattering on the floor.No, no, no.I didn’t want Sam splayed out for me like a piece of meat while I closed my eyes and wished I was someone else. His gaze was everything, his kiss, his touch. I couldn’t fuck him without giving him my whole self, and I didn’t know how to do that.
Panic eclipsed the pleasure coursing through my every nerve. I let go of Sam and sucked in a harsh breath that scraped the insides of my lungs. I was flat on my back, but my brain felt sideways, and Sam’s room, once comfortably small, closed in on me. Even the ceiling seemed lower.
Attuned as always, Sam pulled back and crawled up the bed. His hands were warm and damp on my face, his gaze searching. Anxious. And so penetrating I couldn’t hold it.
I rolled away from him, half falling off the bed. Pain reverberated up my leg, and I welcomed it, losing myself to a time when pain had been my only anchor to the world. When I craved it and needed it to survive.Damnit. I’d been through so much therapy, I knew the black thoughts were fleeting. That I’d blink and they’d be gone, but fuck if they didn’t scare the shit out of me.
And I still couldn’t balance. I jammed my feet into Sam’s carpet, fighting for purchase, but none came. The floor tilted up to meet me, and I crashed to my long-suffering knees.
“Jesus!” Sam leapt from the bed and landed like a cat beside me. “What’s the matter?”
I barely heard him over the buzzing in my brain. I shook my head to clear it, but it made it worse. Made it louder. Sharper. I couldn’t cope.
Groaning, I buried my face in my arms.
Sam swore again and wrestled with me, peeling my arms away. “Hey. Come on. It’s okay. What happened? Did something spook you?”
Did it?As Sam pulled me into a bear-like embrace, I suddenly had no idea. My crowded brain emptied itself like a sinkhole had formed at the bottom, and I had no fucking idea what I was doing on his bedroom floor, naked and trembling in his arms. “I—”
Nope. Nothing.
Sam sat down and held me impossibly closer. I hid my face in his chest and breathed him in, desperate for his familiar scent to overwhelm the lingering terror in my gut, all the while searching for the trigger. I’d had inexplicable blackouts before, but not for a long time, and never, ever sober.
And never with Sam. He was my fucking sunshine, even when he left his laundry all over the couch instead of folding it and putting it away. When he left dishes in the sink for days and wet towels on the bathroom floor.It’s not him, it’s me.
Of course it was. It was always me.
I clung to him, breathing deep while he combed his fingers through my hair. I braced myself for more questions, but none came. Perhaps he’d given up on understanding me, or maybe he knew he didn’t have to. That whatever weirdness I threw at him, Ilovedhim.
