She drummed her fingers on the back of Ollie’s chair, keeping perfect time with Larry’s beat. “Is this your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“But you want him to be?”
“Something like that.”
Jannah tilted her head sideways, listening, and studied the still shots Ollie had printed out and spread over the tabletop. “He looks—”
Ollie held up his hand. “Don’t say it.”
“He doesn’t know?”
Ollie thanked whoever for a mother who paid attention to the small stuff, even when he didn’t want her to, and shook his head. “Not yet.”
Jannah smiled. “He’s beautiful.”
“I know.”
“I can see why you want to be better for him.”
“It’s not for him, it’s for me.”
“That’s my boy.”
Jannah left for work without a grand goodbye. Ollie was leaving too, for Leeds, to be with Shay, and he didn’t know when he’d see his parents again. The last few days had been intense, but knowing it was limited had made it bearable. For the first time in years, he’d let them speak for him—to doctors and therapists. Now he was ready to speak for himself.I need help, and I’m here to get it.
Ollie’s northbound train was leaving King’s Cross late afternoon. All being well, he’d arrive in Leeds in time to catch the show.
At three o’clock, armed with the million mental health pamphlets he’d collected, he left his childhood home behind and took a cab across the city. The devil on his shoulder was louder than ever, but he’d learned new ways to quiet it over the last few days, methods and tools he’d need to practice to make them stick. His heart still pounded, and his hands trembled. But the cold sweat didn’t come.Winner.
The traffic was a bitch, though. He caught the train by a whisker.
London to Birmingham New Street passed in a flash. Ollie worked the whole way, then ran to catch his connecting train. He found a seat with a table but didn’t reopen his laptop. Apprehension and fear had been his constant companions for so long, the anticipation teasing his nerves was almost frightening.
But Ollie wasn’t frightened. He was excited. In a few short hours, he’d be with Shay, and he couldn’t fucking wait.
* * *
Ollie staredthrough the train window at the billowing smoke. If he squinted hard, he could make out the fierce flames breaking through the dying light of the day.
The train stopped, its path through the level crossing blocked by smoke. Blue lights battled for dominance with the orange glow as emergency vehicles surrounded the crash. Whatever happened, no one was going anywhere for a while.
Ollie fought hard to tear his gaze away, to hide from the fiery scene that was so reminiscent of the one he’d spent the last few days recounting he couldn’t quite believe it. But he couldn’t look away. He watched the firefighters get low and douse the upturned car with foam and water, watched the flames submit to a more powerful force, and searched for the meaning.
He didn’t find it. But as the chaos cleared, he realised the car was empty. Saw the driver stood to one side, whole and unhurt, ruefully shaking his head.
Emotion akin to relief spread through Ollie. He turned away from the window and drew his legs up onto the seat.If you’d looked away, you’d never have known the driver was safe. You’d have pictured him as burnt as you are for months and months, until you found something new to torment yourself with.
The devil had been replaced by the straight-talking sibling he’d never had. Ollie swiped at his phone until he found Shay’s face. His fingers hovered over the screen, but he didn’t type.Screw it.
He pushed the phone aside, reached for his notebook, and began to write.
Shay,
So… I’m on the train on my way to Leeds and a car has crashed close to the tracks. We’re stuck at the level crossing while they clear it, but the fire is out now. I stared at it for ages while it was burning. A week ago, I’d have hidden under the table, so I guess that’s progress.
Fuck that. I know it is.
