Ollie leftthe van in a car park behind the O2 Academy in Brixton. Fred and Khalid were bringing a friend back with them to help with the roadie work while Ollie was gone, and they had a spare key. There was no reason for Ollie to hang around, but he found himself drifting towards the bus anyway.
It was empty, obviously, like the van. The band were in rehearsals, and he and Shay had said their goodbyes hours ago. But still. The bus seemed like the right place to be, even though he knew it wasn’t.
He sat on Shay’s bed and tore a page out of a notebook. He stole a pencil from Shay’s stash and scrawled the words he’d already said out loud.
I amcoming back
Then he tucked the note under Shay’s pillow and left the bus.
Heart heavy, he took the Underground back to his flat. He had a lot to do before he could think about sharing a bed with Shay again, but first, he had a mountain of work to catch up on. Driving the van, running the roadie crew, and spending every other free moment either with Shay or thinking about him, had set him way behind.
At home, he set up his equipment in the small alcove he used as an office. He sat down and shivered. Even through his clothes, after weeks on the road, the leather chair felt strange against his skin, scarred and smooth.Everythingfelt strange.
I’m not the same person.
The thought was errant at first, but as Shay’s face filled the huge monitor Ollie used at home, he knew it was true. He clicked through frame after frame of footage, cataloguing Shay’s every emotion as Ollie had revealed his colourful history. Curiosity became fascination. Sadness became grief. And then a rare frame where the camera had caught them both—staring at each other, naturally. Shay’s gaze was fire. Ollie’s was guarded, but Ollie knew if he continued to scroll through the footage, that would change.
I’m not the same person.
The echo was louder this time and brought with it a creeping feeling that drove Ollie out of his chair. Shay was everything Ollie had never known he wanted, but Ollie wasn’t enough for him, not like this. He’d walked away from Shay with a plan—a plan that would be on hold until he’d caught up with his work—but Ollie was done waiting.
I need to start living.
He backed out of the office and into the kitchen. His phone was on the counter. He opened the family WhatsApp group he rarely participated in and tapped out a text.
Ollie:Mum, I need help.
* * *
They satin the living room. Ollie’s childhood home was a riot of colour, but a lifetime had passed since he had last noticed. His parents, Jannah and Wit, were on either side of him, not touching him—they’d learned not to since the accident—but close enough so he sensed them, even with his eyes closed.
His eyes weren’t closed, though, metaphorically or otherwise. For the first time in years, he was entirely present. “I met someone.”
Wit blinked, surprised. But Jannah nodded. Of the two of them, Ollie’s mother was the most intuitive. “A boy?”
“A man, actually, but yeah.”
“So it is more than a friendship?”
“I’m trying for it to be.”
Wit got up and walked to the fireplace. His reflection in the large mirror gave him nowhere to hide, and as he ran a large hand through his dark hair, Ollie saw the cogs in his brain turning, searching for the correlation between this revelation and Ollie’s plea for help. Ollie’s parents were practical people. “Where did you meet him?”
“At work. He’s in the band I’m on tour with.”
“A musician?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s nice,” Jannah said. “Can we meet him?”
“Not yet. I mean, I want you to, but that’s kind of why I’m here. I-I need to fix some shit before… fuck, this is coming out wrong.” Ollie took a deep breath. “Mum, I’m so messed-up. You know I am, and I can’t put all that on him. It’s not fair.”
“What are you asking us for, son?” Wit turned away from the mirror. “You want us to take you to the place at Gubalówka?”
“No, Dad. I don’t want to go up a mountain to find myself, I’m right here. I just… I need… I don’t know what I need, okay? But I know I can’t do it on my own.”
It was the frankest conversation Ollie could ever remember having with his parents. Jannah got up and left the room. Wit took her place. “We always wanted to help.”
