Like a rat in a fire.Nausea washed over Ollie. “I came back,” he whispered.
Shay put his fork down and reached across the table. His fingers felt like lava as they wrapped around Ollie’s. “But why did you run?”
* * *
They ditchedthe cafe and took a walk through a nearby park. Shay had let go of Ollie’s hand when they left, but he stayed close, and their elbows bumped as they strolled through the trees.
Ollie latched on to the sensation of Shay brushing against him. Used it to tie himself down to the world. “I don’t like talking about myself.”
“No shit. You’ve been with us for two weeks, and no one knows squat about you.”
“Two weeks? Is that all? Feels like a year.”
“Because you hate it?”
“I don’t hate it.”
“I don’t believe you. The only time you seem happy is when you’ve got your nose in a book.”
Ollie laughed, and it sounded like it was someone else. “How is that any different to you with your music? I’m a nerd, bro. It’s who I am.”
Shay stopped walking. “It’s not all you are, though.”
“Maybe it should be.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know?”
“That shouldn’t make sense, but it does.” Shay took Ollie’s hands and squeezed them, once, before letting them go and resuming his aimless amble.
Ollie trailed after him and reclaimed his place pressed up against Shay’s side, even closer than they’d been before. “It makes too much sense to me sometimes. I have to limit how much work I take on, or I’d never stop.”
“But it doesn’t make you happy.”
It didn’t seem to be a question, but Ollie shook his head anyway. “It keeps me calm, but, no… it doesn’t make me happy.”
“What does?”
“You think I know?”
“You must do, unless you’ve never been happy, Ollie.”
Ollie thought hard. An article he’d read once, written by an American soldier, flashed into his mind. The soldier’s heart had stopped beating, and as he’d neared death, an errant thought had pulled him clear.I can’t die. I’ve never been happy.The quote had stuck with Ollie, though he hadn’t known why—perhaps until now. “I thought I was happy once, but I was just young. Innocent, maybe. It was a long time ago.”
“You think you can’t get it back?”
“You can’t take back innocence, Shay. When it’s gone, it’s gone.”
“Mate, you have a maudlin mind.”
“That your way of calling me a miserable bastard?”
Shay stared hard at something in the distance. “Not at all. You want to sit?”
“Hmm?”
“The venue is just up there, but I’m not ready to go back yet.” Shay pointed at a nearby bench. “Sit with me, Ollie? Please?”
