“You don’t have to do that.”
“Helpme then.”
He sighs and leans forward, reaching for the diazepam bottle first while I claim the lithium. “Is this the stuff you didn’t want to take in the hospital?”
“Uh-huh. But I don’t mind taking it. It’s the higher dose I objected to.”
“Did they ever lower it?”
“No.”
“And what happened?”
“Same as always. It worked and I felt good, so I forgot that I needed it to stay that way.”
That makes sense. And it rings true with the million articles I’ve read online about drug compliance. “You think you’ll find it easier to remember if you can see straight away if you’ve missed a dose of something?”
“Definitely. It won’t stop me cycling through being manic and depressed, but it happens less often when I take the pills, and it’s less severe. Believe it or not, I think I only missed a couple of doses, and what’s going down right now is pretty mild. I’ve beenwayworse in the past.”
I don’t want to think about that, but I have to. The bottle in my hand is heavy. I study the label and read Ludo’s full name—Ludovico Giordano—and try to convince myself that every horrible thing happened to him and notmyLudo, but it doesn’t work, obviously, cos it’s bullshit. “I’ve got to work tomorrow,” I say. “You can come with me if you want?”
“Come with you?”
“Yeah. I’m going to Ashbourne to have a look at some willow trees. They’re young and short, so I can assess them without climbing.”
I want him to say yes almost more than I want anything else, because the thought of leaving him alone is killing me, and he keeps me waiting a lifetime before he slowly nods his head.
“Okay. I’ll come with you.”
Twenty-Nine
Ludo
I like being cold. The chill on my skin distracts me from the sensation of something unwelcome beneath it and my imagination wanders less than it does in the heat of high summer.
Of course, it’s still high summer now, but it’sBritishsummertime, so winter has arrived for a couple of days, and her timing is perfect.
“You can stay in the van,” Aidan offers. “I shouldn’t be long.”
I shake my head. “I like being outside in the cold.”
“This is legit the only time I’ve ever thought you’re crazy.”
I smile through the diazepam haze. “Works for me.”
He parks outside a big house with a sweeping driveway. Paranoia that perhaps he doesn’twantme to get out of the van licks my consciousness, but ignoring it is easier than I expect. In fact, everything today so far has proved easier than I’ve braced myself for.
Black is still back, but Aidan’s constant presence at my side has lightened the shadows. He brought me breakfast in bed and took a shower with me. Walked me to the shop to get more food for Bella. And he doesn’t expect anything from me than whatever I have.
I’m not sure he believed I’d really come with him, though. I don’t think he understands that everything he does is fascinating to me. That I want to watch him work.
“Are you fit then?”
“Hmm?”
He rolls his eyes. “Out of the van if you’re coming.”
I slide out of the van. My ankles twinge as my feet hit concrete, but as ever, I’m okay with that, apart from the fact it reminds me Aidan is still limping. That he couldn’t straighten his leg this morning.
