And that I can’t decide if I want to.
Bella whines, dragging me back to a reality I can trust. I turn my gaze to her and admit defeat with a heavy sigh. “All right, girl. You win.”
* * *
As a rule, when the colours I can see are more light than dark, I like being out of my house. People, fresh air, moving my rickety limbs... it’s all good for my soul, man. But the woods where Bella loves to run are more of a challenge than a stroll down the high street, especially when the sun fades and most people go home.
Solitude. Silence. It’s too loud, and I fight to keep my anxiety down. To keep my safe place from being sucked into the never-ending space before me. I have tools, though. The gorgeous scenery, Bella’s contagious excitement, and a quick glance to the railway bridge on the horizon—a stark reminder of how bad things can get when I don’t pay attention.
I tighten my grip on Bella’s lead. “Come on, girl. Let’s go.”
We venture into the woods, past the bird watching outpost and the timber stores. Bella’s favourite path takes us on the longest route ever, but I don’t mind. Without her, I’d miss the low sun melting through the trees and the squirrels laughing at her from the highest branches. And itdoesfeel good to move my body. My ankles feel strong, and the aches and pains in my other abused bones fade.
My appreciation of that is something too. For now, the days where I welcomed pain as a hearty distraction are somewhere else, and despite missing Aidan more than I can ever explain, I’m okay with that.
I have to be.
We keep walking. I throw dead branches and pinecones for Bella to chase and even a stick into the shallow part of the lake. I’m petrified she’ll drown, but of course, she doesn’t. She’s a better swimmer than most humans, and she’s back before my heart combusts, shaking water and mud all over me.
“Git.”
I toss the stick into the thickly carpeted woodland and follow her there, hoping she’ll dry off before I have a soggy dog on my bed to deal with. It’s almost as though she doesn’t believe I can make enough of my own mess.
If only she knew.
Bella charges ahead, paying little attention to my commands for her to wait. I trail after her, cursing the friendly psych nurse who thought adding this to my day would be healthy. My tentative good mood turns to irritation until I reach the top of the hill and see Bella at the bottom, paused majestically in a dappled glade.
I can never be cross with her for long.
Shaking my head, I fish a treat from my pocket and scramble down the hill. She waits for me this time, naturally. I reach her and offer her the reward. She takes the squishy, meaty lump and turns her gaze forwards again. I absently follow her line of sight to the copse a few metres away—trees, undergrowth, and neat piles of sticks from the local boy scouts. Nothing I haven’t seen before, but something makes me look twice, and that’s when I really see it.
Seehim—the broad-shouldered figure sitting at the foot of a tree trunk. He rises slowly, like he’s been sitting for a long time, and his long body unravels like an uncoiling snake. His eyes find mine, and for a brief, heart-stopping moment, I think it’s Aidan, but it’s not. It can’t be. The Aidan I remember has short hair and lies flat on his back. He doesn’t stand tall in my enchanted forest, dwarfed only by the enormous tree behind him.
Eleven
Aidan
Bernard has been spiking the whisky in the local shop. He knows it’s my favourite vice when I’m in a shit mood, and lacing it with LSD is his revenge for every scrap of disrespect I’ve shown him over the years.
Yeah. That’s it. It has to be... it’s the only rational explanation I can think of for the apparition that’s appeared in front of me in the shape of the world’s cutest dog and the man who’s haunted my thoughts every moment I’m not blind drunk.
I blink hard and push my overlong hair out of my face, willing the vision to disappear despite the fact that I’ve spent many long nights fantasising about a moment just like this. Because that’s all it is—a fantasy. Ludo isn’t from around here. There’s no logical reason for him to be strolling throughmydamn-fucking woods.
The dog starts towards me.
“Bella.”
And I blink again as the impact of the softly uttered word hits me. Have you ever felt as though the world has stopped turning? Cos that’s how I feel right now. I never knew Ludo’s face as well as I wanted to, but I learnt his voice—every rise and fall, the smooth bits and the sharp edges. It’s how I knew him... how Iknowhim.Oh god, it’s really him.
I step forward, but the dog responds before I can take a breath. It bounds over a fallen trunk and dashes away, it’s golden fur merging with fading sunlight until I can’t be sure where one ends and the other begins.
And then it’s gone, and Ludo is too, and I’m alone again, like I’ve always been, like I alwayswasuntil I met him.
He’s not real.You’re drunk and tired. Go home.
For a long moment, I attempt to make peace with common sense, but as my heart beats a frantic tattoo, hammering my ribcage, I don’t care what’s real and what’s not. I care about Ludo, and as ridiculous as Ifucking knowit is, I miss him.
Follow him.
