“Because…” My words faded before I could complete the sentence. What was I about to say? That Jude and I couldn’t be together because I wasn’t out? Because whatever else this clusterfuck of a day had turned into, that particular problem no longer existed. Everyone I cared about knew I loved Jude.
It was only Jude who didn’t know.
I stood again. “I need to see him.”
“He’s gone for a scan,” Rae said. “The nurse will let us know when he’s back.”
Unable to sit still, I wandered off to argue with a vending machine. I didn’t want the piss-weak tea it spat out, but I bought it anyway for something to do.
Back with Rae, I dumped it into a nearby bin while he texted furiously on his phone. “Kids are fine. Cash made them pizza and they’re watching movies.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s okay. Cash likes having kids around. Reminds him of the crazy Irish family he grew up in.”
I’d never considered that. But then I hadn’t considered Cash much at all. Or Rae. Or Lucky. Or Dom. They were people in my life who were as close to me as I’d let them be. And I’d treated Jude the same.
A nurse appeared and beckoned us through a set of double doors. “He’s back from the scan and resting. He’s in a monitored bed and the consultant will see him again in an hour.”
“Has he been awake?”
“Briefly. He knows you’re here and he seemed happy for us to discuss his condition with you.”
Rae nodded. “Can we sit with him?”
“Of course. Come this way.”
She led us to the heart of the busy department where a clutch of monitored beds contained mostly unconscious patients. Jude was at the far side, by the wall. As I approached, I noted that his face had been cleaned of blood, and the gash on his temple taped shut. Distantly, I was relieved he hadn’t needed stitches, then I recalled the impact of his head on the concrete pavement, and the fleeting comfort faded.Jesus Christ.
The nurse brought an extra chair and left us to it. Rae sat in the one at the end of the bed and motioned for me to take the one closer to Jude.
I slipped past Rae and leaned over the bed. Jude was out cold, hooked up to an IV, an oxygen mask over his face. His clothes were gone, replaced by a hospital gown, and his arms were littered with marks and scrapes. He looked as though he’d been in a car crash, and I supposed he had, except the car had been replaced by his brain.
Sucking in a shaky breath, I found his hand and twined our fingers together. As if I had any fucking right to. But I couldn’t not touch him. We’d been apart too long, and unless he asked for it, I was never going to let that happen again.
The minutes ticked by, marked by the beeping of a machine attached to the bed next door. In contrast to the hive of activity there, Jude’s bedside was peaceful, but the chaos in my soul remained. Jude had fallen while he’d been shouting at me. In the fucking street. If I’d given him a chance to speak in the house, or perhaps not given him cause to run out on me in the first place, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened.
Logic told me I was wrong. That Jude’s condition would’ve reared up at some point, regardless of my presence in his life. But logic was a distant thought process. Everything was, until I knew for sure that Jude was okay.
A doctor came to check on Jude. “I wouldn’t expect him to be alert any time soon,” she said. “The drugs he’s had to ease the seizures are powerful sedatives.”
“How long will you keep him in?” Rae asked.
“That depends on how he is when he comes round. Hopefully he’ll be aware enough to go home in the morning, but it might be longer if the bump to his head affects his recovery.”
“But the scan was clear?”
The doctor glanced between me and Rae.
Rae nodded, and the doctor continued.
“The scan was clear,” she said. “When a patient goes into status epilepticus, it’s very dangerous, but Jude responded well to treatment, and he stabilised very quickly. I’ve referred him to our epileptologist, who might tweak his drug regimen, but I expect him to make a full recovery.”
I absorbed the information and applied it to the little knowledge I possessed about epilepsy. It wasn’t enough. I needed to know more—if this had happened before, if it would happen again. How such a brutal seizure would affect Jude in the long term. And just how the fuck was a condition like this fair.
The doctor disappeared before I could verbalise anything sensible. I checked my watch. It was late, well after midnight. At some point, I’d have to leave and retrieve my children from the care of friends I’d never trusted enough to show my true self, but I couldn’t make myself leave just yet.
I couldn’t leave until I knew for sure that the only man I’d ever loved was really okay.
