Jesus Christ.
But I didn’t care about my mother. And I knew my kids well enough to trust they wouldn’t give two fucks if I was in a relationship with a man, especially if that man was Jude. Lucky, Cash, and Rae were solid, which left Dom.
Fuck, it had always been Dom. Or had it? For so many years, I’d used his secret to mask my own, convincing myself that he’d think I was coming onto him or some shit if I told him. And later, when the whole world knew he was gay, that he’d be furious—betrayed, even—that I’d kept it from him so long. But the truth was, my lack of outness had nothing to do with Dom, or anyone else.
It was all about me.
My phone rang. I jumped a mile and sent it clattering to the floor. Cursing, I rolled from the couch to grab it. Dom’s name lit up the screen, and I sucked in a breath. Fate? I’d never believed in that before, but in the last few months, something had shifted in me. I wasn’t the same person. And I didn’t want to be.
I took the call. “Hey.”
“We’ve got a problem,” Dom growled.
“Don’t we always? What’s up?”
“Gas explosion at the Leicester site.”
I sat up, instantly alert. “A fucking explosion? How bad? Anyone hurt?”
“I’ll send you the video the site manager sent me, but that’s all I’ve got right now. My car has a flat. Cash is working on it, but one of us needs to shoot up there straight away. Can you go? I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”
My heart sank as I scrambled to my feet, seeking out everything I’d need to take with me. An explosion on a site we owned, even if it turned out to be minor, was a massive time suck, and there was zero chance I’d make it to see Jude anytime soon. “I was supposed to be checking on my house tomorrow.”
“Fuck. Sorry, mate. I can stay in Leicester while you come back—”
“That’s not going to work, is it? The press are going to be all over this, and if they catch sight of you, it’ll be fucking carnage.”
Silence. It took me a moment to register the harshness lacing my tone, but by then it was too late.
Dom sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I—hang on.”
There was rustling at his end, and a voice I presumed to be Lucky, Cash, or Rae. More rustling, and then Cash came on the line.
“I’m off tomorrow,” Cash said. “I can drive into Thorston and check on things, if that would help.”
Ordinarily, Cash’s offer would’ve solved all my problems. He was a good bloke who knew his way around a building site. But these weren’t ordinary times. I didn’t give a fuck about my house, and the reality that Cash would be within spitting distance of Jude while I was further from him than ever made me feel sick. “That’d be great. Thanks.”
I hung up. Somehow, during the conversation, I’d wandered into the darkened hallway to be greeted by Jude’s jacket, abandoned on the coat hooks. The shadows of the room suited the abrupt drop in my already low mood. I stamped into my shoes and opened WhatsApp. Tapped out a message and then deleted the app from my phone.
Isha:I’m sorry.
Twenty
Jude
The insistent noise from my alarm woke me up. I silenced it without looking at my phone and rolled over, for once disappointed that I didn’t have to get up and rush off to work. Shaqueela was in the shop, using her job with me as part of her university placement. It meant, in effect, that her study grant was covering her wages, which was great for me…in theory. The reality was that I had more time to myself than I’d had in years, and I couldn’t think of anything worse.
My head was buzzing too much for me to go back to sleep. I got up and traipsed downstairs. Frances was still asleep, head tucked under her wing. She was the laziest bird I’d ever known, when she wasn’t screeching impersonations of inappropriate shit at the postman.
I hadn’t been shopping since the last time Isha had been here. My cupboards were bare. I scraped together a breakfast of dry cereal and black tea, and dropped onto the couch. Daytime TV sent me round the bend, so I put the news channel on and zoned out for a while, dimly following the headlines as they played on a loop. A double murder, a gas explosion, and some nonce politician.Isn’t the world a fucking treat right now?I was considering going back to bed when Shaqueela called me from the shop.
“There’s a man here looking to buy the four-foot vivarium that came in yesterday. He’s after a full set-up too. Should I tell him to come back tomorrow?”
I rubbed my face, fighting to clear the wallowing haze from my brain. “A full set-up for what?”
“A bearded dragon.”
“Is he a first-timer?”
