He said it so casually; as though a night with me was something he could get used to. “You’ll be fine.”
Rae stopped shovelling food into his mouth and regarded me with his liquid brown gaze. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
“Liar. You’re doing that thing where you fall off the edge of a cliff.”
“The fuck does that mean?”
“Exactly what I said.” Rae pushed his plate away and wiped his mouth. “You’re shutting down about something and you think I won’t notice, or care…or both. And you’re not sure you even want me to.”
If he was trying to bemuse me with psychobabble, he was doing a good job. His motivation eluded me, though. “What makes you think you know what’s going on in my head?”
“I don’t,” Rae said. “I’m interpreting your behaviour, and you do this shit all the time.”
I had lots of bad habits. One of them was to get pissed off at someone to avoid talking about the bandage they’d ripped off a gaping wound. This wasn’t as dramatic as that, but insolence flowed out of me all the same. “You wouldn’t know what I do all the time. You’ve met me, like, six times.”
Rae didn’t blink, just stared at me a long moment before he sighed. “Whatever. I’m not going to force you to talk to me.”
I wondered if he’d walk out me like he had every time we’d come to blows about everything and nothing. But he didn’t move, and neither did I. Seconds turned into minutes, and my tongue welded itself to the roof of my mouth. The sense of killing something before it truly started was relieving and horrifying in equal measure, but I couldn’t seem to make myself get up and leave.
Rae broke our stare down and swiped at his phone. His expression changed, and in spite of myself, I leaned forward. “What is it?”
He held up his phone, showing me the text he’d received from Meg. “They’ve set a hunt for next Tuesday. The same day the council want to inspect our camp and interview everyone who lives there. Coincidence?”
Midweek hunts were infrequent, but some used them to get past sabs who had day jobs. Energy began to build in my gut. “What are you going to do?”
Rae shrugged. “Everything we can. The vehicles will be better protected this time, but there are other things we can try. I’ve gotta get back and brainstorm with Sprig. You wanna join us later in the week?”
“What?”
“Join us,” Rae repeated, as though he genuinely believed I hadn’t heard him. “Three heads are better than one. Maybe we can figure out—”
“I’m not coming with you, man.”
“Coming where?”
“On the hunt. Last time…it was a one-off. I told Meg and Fletch I’d support you, and I will, but I can’t go deep. I can’t—I can’t get so involved with you.”
“‘Involved’?”
It was his turn to be mystified. I leaned forward, shoving my own plate aside. “Involved with you, with sabbing. I told you before, I can’t do it.”
“Yeah…” he said slowly. “But then you skinned out to the Goon mansion with me and laid a trifecta of fucking stingers. Trespassed, committed vandalism, and don’t tell me you didn’t lamp anyone—I saw the bruises on your knuckles. Fuckgettinginvolved. You already are.”
He spoke with a smile, like he thought a grin and a nudge would snap me out of it, but I was too far down this misguided path to come back. “I’m not, and I can’t be. Just leave it, okay?”
“Cash—”
“Jesus Christ, what do you want from me?” I stood, my chair screeching backwards loud enough for people near us to look up from their poached eggs and organic rye bread. “I told your people what I had when you dragged me back into this. There isn’t any more, Rae. This is all I’ve got.”
The disappointment in his face was worse than if he’d hit me. His gaze narrowed, and his pillowy lips pressed into a thin line. I swallowed hard, and walked out.
***
Rae
I didn’t follow Cash. He was right: I didn’t know him as much as I wanted to, but I knew enough to reckon he wouldn’t react well to being chased through Tottenham.
