Keeping a wary eye on Shadow, I stole one from her half-empty pack. “He’s probably got a point.”
“A few won’t hurt.”
“Fair enough. What are you doing out here? Sal said dinner was nearly ready.”
“That explains whyyou’reout here then. You haven’t had dinner with us in days.”
“I’m weaning myself off,” I said. “I’ll be back in London in a few weeks.”
“Bless.”
Emma fed Shadow another mint and apparently lost interest, and I was glad of it. My appetite disappeared with every day that passed, and it was only Joe’s watchful gaze that kept me from bringing out the meal replacement shakes I’d stashed in my car. The hypocrisy was mind-blowing, but that was the way of it—knowing it was so, so wrong, but seemingly unable to stop. Maybe I really was my father’s son.
“Do you think I could ride him?”
“Hmm?” I glanced at Emma and then followed her gaze to Shadow as he pranced away. “Damn. I don’t know. If Joe can, I don’t see why you couldn’t. He says you’re a better rider than him.”
“Technically, maybe, but Joe hates rules, and he has no fear. If he did, he wouldn’t have been close enough to get kicked in the first place.”
“There’s nothing wrong with fear when it serves its purpose.”
“And what’s that?”
“To protect us,” I said, though it sounded hollow even to my own ears. “It becomes a problem when we lose sight of what it’s protecting usfrom.”
“So... if I’m too afraid to go out because I’m afraid of being hurt, and then I become scared of being afraid instead, that fear is limiting me instead of protecting me?”
“Something like that.”
“You don’t sound so sure.”
“I’m not the oracle,” I said. “If I was, I’d be indoors eating my dinner.”
Emma’s gaze sharpened. “Do you have an eating disorder?”
“Yes.”
“Does Joe know?”
“What difference does that make?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
I didn’t know either. And it didn’t seem to matter when Shadow came back to us and rested his chin on Emma’s head. It was the first time I’d ever seen him be overtly affectionate, and the quiet joy in Emma’s eyes was a balm to the scratchy sensations in my brain.
When he’d wandered off again, Emma took my hand and tugged me gently towards the house. “Come and sit with your friends, Harry. It doesn’t matter if you eat or not. No one will say anything.”
“I’m all right, Em. Honest. I’ll come in later.”
“Joe’s gonna come looking for you if you don’t show up.”
“I know.”
“Please?”
“No.” I reclaimed my hand. “I’ve never dragged you out of the house kicking and screaming, so don’t do it to me, okay?”
Her face fell, and I felt bad, but not bad enough. I turned back to Shadow’s field and listened to her footsteps as they faded away.
